U N L O A D E D

The stag party aka the bachelor party. The final passage for a young man who is about to get hitched and "settle down." Presumably this is his last night of "freedom" and "hanging out with the boys. " From there the groom to be will settle down, be domesticated, knock up his wife, have some kids and become a responsible father. Gone are the days having fun and cutting loose. The man becomes the groom and the groom becomes a husband and the husband becomes an emasculated chump. The fun is gone, the life is beaten out from him and he works along with his wife to support and raise his family.

Does this sound grim to you? It should. I wrote it that way because this is the mentality that is behind stag parties and it's very effective. Sure the men love the women they are about to marry but this hanging out, this fun stuff....it's all coming to an end and NOW! Amidst the cheers, drinks and catcalls as the strippers dance and the porn plays out, the sense of symbolic death is palpable at a stag. I find it extremely depressing. Why is it seen this way and why do these events men usually enjoy feel pathetic and empty?

The Chilling Effect

I have long outgrown the need to go to strip clubs but still enjoy some good porn now and then and may turn to it to snap me out of this prescription drug funk. However, these activities ARE NOT what the usual "hanging out with the fellas" entails. The good times involved sitting around, having some drinks, arguing about sports and talking about life. Yet for some reason, as if by instinct, all that goes out the window with bachelor parties. Suddenly we MUST go to the strip clubs and we MUST act like idiots. The second part I don't mind as much because being an idiot, at times, is part of cutting loose. It's the degree of idiocy that one must watch or they may be without friends before long.

Bachelor parties are not just about strip clubs, there are lame raffles to siphon money out of you to finance an overpriced wedding. Never ending card games of Texas Hold 'em because poker games are "in" these days. Cigar smoking from men that never smoke them. (although I do enjoy a good one once in a blue moon) Outrageous ticket fees to even get you into the party and....more lame raffles to siphon money out of you to pay for an overpriced wedding. I have never seen so many of my friends instantly transformed into lonely old men than at bachelor parties. No one talks to each other, people just scream at one another. No one really has fun but they tell themselves to because hey...it's a bachelor party and they force themselves to get drunk. Painful and awkward speeches are made to the groom to be but none of it has substance. The interaction is muted and in the guise of boisterousness.

By this time the future groom has cut himself off from his single counterparts. He can no longer identify with them or he is afraid he'll be made to feel like he's making the wrong move. Conversation becomes limited to canned questions like "how are things?" The friend you knew for years is fading away before your very eyes. He now seems more intent to speak to the other men in the room who are married because they have been there and are more responsible. We must keep up appearances after all. Single friends are now people who have something "wrong" with them. They are poor lost souls who must "grow up" and "get serious about life" yet these will be the same men who (a year or so into the marriage) look to you in awe when you talk about your night out and the new woman you've met.

I have yet to wrap my mind around this "grass is greener on the other" side thing. Was I not once the social reject for not having it together?

I Hate Bachelor Parties

If only it were like the Tom Hanks screwball comedy classic. Then again, maybe not.

Sure I love to look at beautiful nude women swinging from a pole. Sure I love drinking massive amounts of alcohol. Sure I love NOT spending money on raffles. Sure I'm happy for my friend that he's found the woman of his dreams. But energy that pulses through a stag party makes it all seem lonely and childish and pathetic even though 2 people are coming together.

For this, I will not be attending one that I have been invited to. The last stag I went to was for my former best friend. It was actually a ploy to get money out of me before cutting me off. After making a speech to all about what a great friend I was, he kept his wedding day a secret and didn't invite me. All because I talked to an ex girlfriend he dated 10 years back and we hit it off 10 years later. Nothing ever became of us but because I had thoughts of it, he felt justified. He not only cut me off but saw to it that others cut me off too. It is this same man who is inviting me to this current stag. Thanks but no thanks. I know the gentleman getting married and he was a friend, but I feel that I will be cut off again once it's over. The money stays here gentleman! (points to wallet)

In the end, I don't think it's the future grooms last night of freedom. It's a change, a big one, and it needn't involve cutting people off once it's over.

Coming up next on U N L O A D E D......

Sentimental things. Why do we hold onto them? Do we need to? do they empower of hold us back?

This is it ladies and gents, the final battle. It all started with a mysterious email from a woman named Olenka who appeared to be seeking love but wanted my credit card info and from there I was pulled into the world of mail order brides. A cheesy enterprise, yes, but one that still pulls in millions from wealthy men around the world. And what type of wealthy man would pursue this?

I went trying to find that out. At first glance I can see how it would be tempting to many men but the time and money needed to follow this plan through is vast. Never the less, some will do it and with gusto!

Have a look at this. Trust me, it's worth the watch. And if you don't watch it, the rest of the post isn't going to make much sense!



Wow! Tell me ladies, which one stole your heart? I don't think these men are all inherently bad. In fact, there is one frustrated man that I can, in some ways, relate to but still would not go this far much less marry her. Tour groups like this go out to these countries all the time to meet at socials in hopes that they can connect with the woman of their dreams. Such a tour goes for a few grand a pop. Most of the time it does not include airfare but you get a hotel room and guide and sometimes one on one meetings with prospective ladies with the aid of a translator. You can go out for lunch or a stroll around town.

Ah, The Romance

I think while many of these men might like the idea of "ownership" over someone, others seem like they probably had their hearts stomped on one too many times and decided to take matters into their own hands. I mean, just look at the last guy in the video. I can see women eating him alive in all the wrong ways. For these types of men, such services insulate them in a way. For one, it gives more opportunity in their minds to find "the sure thing" which is out the window if you are at a local bar or something. It's a controlled environment where rejections sting doesn't hurt as much because the men are seemingly at a greater advantage. They don't have to pursue as much because it is the women that are desperately trying to escape their homeland. The men can just pick and choose, or so they think. I say think because the woman never have to reveal their true intentions either. They can just play along and reduce the man to putty in her hands. Did we see this in any of the video readers? I bet you did! And once the guy does get her home you could always wind up with this.



She wants to have a WHAT at the 1 minute mark in the video? Is Masha a performance artist, satirist, or a bona fide bride from Russia living in the UK?!?!? Perhaps we'll never know but there are other Masha's out there, planning, scheming, dreaming.

I Don't Need No Stinkin' Russian Mail Order Bride!

I had a chance to talk to the Russian woman at my synagogue again this week where I broached the topic once more. Remember, she suspected them of being KGB agents.

ME: I got an email from a Russian mail order bride named Olenka.

Her: No! No! No! No! No mail order bride for Ricardo. No good. You must not!

Me: I think they're a bit crazy to do this.

Her: They crazy and alcoholics! They lazy and no work! No! No! No! I have niece from Russia studying in Israel now. She go back to Russia soon. Perhaps I make match for her with you.

What have I done?

The Lonely Hearts Club

The reasons for both men and women taking the plunge into these ventures are about as varied as you can get. Sure there are the prostitute and pimp types but there are also those that are so lonely they will resort to anything to stop the hurt. We all want someone to cure us of our emptiness, "complete" us as the ridiculous line in Jerry McGuire went, and feel desired in ways that you can't get from family or owning a pet. This is a natural human need if used in the right context but we tend to distort it. I, for one, never believed that I needed to fall in love to be "complete" because no one "completes me" but me. I think that's goes for everyone else also.

We are bombarded with love songs and images that don't really profess love but codependency. We look for magic when we should be looking for common ground. We seek to bridge the gap between fantasy and reality and sometimes it works, other times it does not. One thing is for certain, as long as these human needs exist, there will always be Russian mail order brides.

I think I might have found mine if I were serious about it. A little bit girl next door, a little bit Black Widow and every bible thumping redneck's worst nightmare. LOL!!!