U N L O A D E D

We all have our hopes, dreams aspirations and goals. We do our part to achieve them and hope that the work invested is bringing us closer to where we want to be instead of pushing us further away.

This is a difficult thing to gauge and sometimes we don't know for sure or won't know until some time has passed. It's only then that we can be witnesses to the fruits of out labor and feel that good work has been done. However, during these periods, there is tremendous time for self doubt to fester and rear it's ugly head. It is then that we wind up at parties and run into people we haven't seen in years or perhaps a person of importance that could play a role in the advancement of your career. It's inevitable that in these casual discussions that the other person will rattle off their accomplishments and then turn the spot light on you with a simple question:

So what are you doing?

The other individuals accomplishments seem so much more solid and ambitious. Your mind races, searching for answer that will be at least on par with his or hers.

The throat tightens, ever so slightly.

The sound "um" wants to pour out of your mouth in a steady stream.

The palms grow a bit sweaty.

You fidget or shrug your shoulders.

Finally you take a deep breath and let it rip, stringing together a shaky list of "plans" you have with a tone of forced confidence that only accentuates your insecurity. You don't want to look like an oaf or layabout. You want to portray that YOU TOO are on the move and working on something grand.

The other person will nod and declare how wonderful it is that your doing these things. They will follow up with how far along you are. The best answer you can muster is something a long the lines of this:

You: Well....um.....you know......things.......working on it.......it's...uh...coming right along.

You feel your heart sinking and you clear your throat once more, hoping they believe you. Soon the talk ends and you both go your separate ways. You realize what an awkward time that was and spin into self evaluation mode. "This can't happen again!" You say to yourself. You go home and construct more solid and stock answers to defend yourself the next time you're at a cocktail party. You'll shine like a star and people will be in awe of you. It's not to be a liar but to hold your own in a world that seems as if it's passing you by. You may not be as far along as others but you'll make what you have done sound great.

But the self doubt still lingers. You wonder why haven't you gone as far as you'd like. You question if you have enough in the tank, the will, the fortitude. Did you chase the wrong calling? Soon these thoughts haunt your entire being. And as you step out into the world there is only one thing you feel like....

FRAUD!

You're not the writer, inventor, artist, poet, singer, songwriter, musician, entrepreneur or bad ass you hyped yourself up to be!! No, no no! You're none of these things. You have your job at a generic office, factory or store, not the goals you aspire for! You are what you do! You're a cubicle slug, factory zombie or retail scum. You hate this! People notice your discontent but don't know what your problem is. You scream, "LET ME OUT!" But where is the OUT?! Is this it? Is this all? It wasn't supposed to be this way!!!!

The ugly word reverberates throughout mind, body and room you're in.

YES! That word! Say it with me:

FFFFFFFFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUDDDDDDDDD!

Oh God no! Not this this way! Not like this! This can't be my fate!

You look around, people stare with sideways glances. Children scatter. You're own pets no longer recognize you.

HHHHEEEEEELLLLP!

You dive back into your goal with a fanatical conviction to prove this all wrong. You can do this. You can make it! Damn all of you who say no! Curse you! Or you can give up and go back to the status quo. So simple isn't it? But so fucking hard.

We have this choice everyday. We can make it or avoid it. But everyday that you choose to say yes, then it's as real as anything else in front of you.

Coming up next...... Can I please stop the coughing? And..... When Vegas Lost a Starlet.

I was tagged a few days back by MsQ over at QMusings which is a great blog that you should check out if you have the chance. The question was a compelling one; what are my obsessive thoughts? While many of us don't consider ourselves to be obsessive, there are things that inhabit our minds far too often during the course of a day and maybe even expend our much needed energy. This was something that may not only be fun to write about but therapeutic too. Well, therapeutic in the sense that I learn to be less obsessive about these things.

And without further ado, my obsessive thoughts.

1. My Life

This seems to be obvious right? We all worry about our life, but I need to stop beating myself up over the fact that I want my life in a better place than it is now which involves figuring out the next step. I have expended so much energy wanting to know the next step that by the time I figure it out, I'm too tired to take it. How's that for a double edged sword? This can be fixed however and I think the solution is in taking smaller steps.

2.Money

I'm not some money grubbing idiot but since tax time is here I've been thinking way too much about money. Having gone through some very lean times last year, I was always figuring out how to stretch a dollar and wishing it could stretch further. There never seems to be enough of it even now that I have a decent job that pays a good wage. The money seems to just get sucked away by a vacuum and I have no logical explanation as to why. Maybe this is what money does. Maybe money is evil. I'm heading out to do my taxes soon so another evil entity (the IRS) can take yet more money from me. I'm giddy with anticipation.

3.Sex

By this I just don't mean the physical act but also relationships (or lack thereof) and meeting the right women. Granted, as a man I have an adult film that runs through my head most of the day which is interrupted by thoughts of consuming food, watching a movie, work responsibilities and so on. These thoughts, along with the desire for real companionship, are actually motivators. This is what gets a young guy out and about looking for the right woman. But as I go out on the weekend and scan the bar scene, it comes to my attention that I'm living in the land of potential Stepford Wives. There's not very much in the way of originality here in Connecticut. Single women here talk about how they are on a "biological schedule" and feel entitled to a man buying them the most expensive ring available so they can get knocked up and have a house bought for them. I get the sense that they don't want someone to actually be involved with but rather someone who fits their self imposed time table. Where's the women that dream big or have ambitions? Not that wanting to start a family is wrong or selling out in any sense, I commend people who start and support families. Everyone knows it's loads of work and commitment but, for me, it's not where I'm going. I'll have to stick with the mental porn and snag a one night stand if the situation arises. Those are a blast.

4. Traffic

Not traffic to this site (which is minuscule) but REAL traffic. The kind I face getting into work which can sometimes take up to 2 hours! People say I should move closer to my job but honestly, it doesn't shave any time off from my commute. Or should I say, not enough to pay 500 bucks more for a place each month. Yes traffic jams have consumed my life and my first thought in the morning is, "I wonder if the traffic is going to be bad today?"

5. Doubt

I think everyone's biggest enemy is self doubt. If I could have this element surgically removed from me I would. It's only then that I would be unstoppable. Think about all the times you've talked yourself out of doing something bold. Think of what could have been had you chosen to go bold. Maddening, isn't it?

Coming up next on U N L O A D E D, Ricardo unleashes his fury on the money owed for this years taxes but not on the tax collector. But why not the IRS? Stay tunned to find out.

And coming up later, is he dead or alive? A send off to the father who never was.