U N L O A D E D

I'm at the dealership, a nervous wreck. I text message my Uncle L repeatedly from my mobile stating such. None of it offers any comfort.

Alfonzo, my salesman, takes a seat and begins with the negotiations. The battle begins.

YOU HAVE THE MONEY!!

The obligatory question, "how much can you give us NOW?"

My obligatory answer, "Just a few hundred at the moment. Possibly more later on if I like what I see. "

I tell him that I'm looking to get a new car and keep the payments around the same price that I'm paying now. The magic number is somewhere around 300 to 330 a month. Alfonzo asks me if I can handle 400 a month!! I say no, no, no.

Alfonzo nods and disappears into the evil watchtower that overlooks the sales floor that I'm on. He magically emerges with a $600 rebate (obviously available all along) and says for a mere 400 dollars TODAY I could have 1000 dollars down when the rebate is taken into account.

Not too shabby but I don't know if I had 400 dollars to put down TODAY!!! I haven't even seen the cars!!!!

Alfonzo asks, "Don't you have any friends or family to ask for money?" Excuse me? No I did not. Well I did but I wasn't going to make it easy for him.

"Look I can see you have the money! I want to help you! Give us something, more! " Alfonso said growing more belligerent. I found that a bit odd but the angrier he got the more the knot in my chest loosened and the easier it was for me to breathe.

"Don't you have credit cards or something?" he asked. Hmm let me see, I took out my wallet and held it up to him. His eyes widened. "Yeeeeeeeesssssss." He hissed as if at any moment the bell would ring for me.

"Nope, no extra credit cards." I told him. Alfonzo didn't like this. "You have money! I can see it! Look at your jacket, your phone, your bluetooth headset. That is real leather, at least 300! The phone is 400!" He said, as he felt the sleeve of my jacket. This annoyed me and I laughed.

The hip jacket I got is real leather and was purchased on clearance (the season was over and it was time to make way for the spring fashions, this was a winter jacket) and the phone is a Blackberry that is $349 new but $40 bucks refurbished with 2 year plan agreement. The bluetooth headset is nice but also purchased at a steep discount.

"The phone is new!" Alfonzo said. Actually it likely was save for the fact that it has the Cingular name on it instead of the companies new name of AT&T. Hence, "refurbished." Can't sell old branded stuff as new, can we?

He needed a breather. "I'll be back. Call your friends see if they have the money." I was not about to do that.

Time passed. More rhythmic clapping, more suckers ringing the bell. Some families had their kids ring it as if this was going to be a family moment right up their with their kids future wedding.

Alfonzo returns with a set of keys. "Would you like to see the car?"


The Test Drive

I brought out to the lot and lead to a tan Corolla. I hate tan cars, they scream "elderly."

Alfonzo: You like this one?

Me: No.

Alfonzo: Why?

Me: Don't like the color.

Alfonzo: What's wrong with it?

Me: I DON'T LIKE IT!

Alfonzo: What about the red one?

Me: No. I said blue or silver!

The Laurel and Hardy routine continued until he pointed out a black Corolla which looked very nice. We agreed to take the tan one out for a test drive but aim for the black one as time went on. I would also demand a test drive of that one since I didn't want to wind up with a clunker.

The ride was pleasant, quiet, comfortable and on par with my current Mitsubishi. He told me during the test drive that they could make the numbers work. I told him that we may have ourselves a deal. He then brought up why I didn't want to try the red Corolla.

Note to all of you and this comes from my friend in the car insurance biz. If want to pay higher insurance premiums, and get singled out by the cops, get a red car! Stay away from red!!

"That's not true, who told you that?" Alfonzo snapped.

I DON'T LIKE THE RED!!!!!

Negotiations: Round 2

Feeling that victory was firmly in hand Alfonzo asked to see the keys to my car to inspect it for trade in appraisal. This is also a ploy to prevent you from walking out. Alfonzo said he had to "talk to his people" and would return. Off he went with my keys and I decided to call my Uncle L.

I had been listening to bells ringing and obnoxious clapping for several hours now. I was growing restless. I told my Uncle L this over the phone and how I think I got a deal done. L tells me to walk out if they don't agree with you. I tell him I can't because they have my keys.

Another 20 minutes elapses, followed by 30, and then 40. I'm hungry, thirsty, I have to pee. I am not in a happy mood. What are they doing with my car? Where the fuck is Alfonzo?

My frown is briefly diminished by a young woman who rings the bell with her father and on the way back flashes me a smile. If this young all American coed was up for a different sort of ride, I would be happy to indulge. I smiled back without thought. It was pure reflex.

Alfonzo returns. "How close to $400 a month can you get?" Did they not hear me the first time? I CAN'T SPEND $400 bucks a month on a fucking Corolla!! If I could I'd be driving a BMW, Mercedes or import a FIAT like the lovely lady on the left is pushing!!!!!! C'mon guys!!!

"OK, let me talk to my people." Alfonzo says and runs off into the evil watch tower. I look up and see that several of them are looking back at me.

Frantic shouting.

Papers being shuffled.

More shouting.

The bell ringing!!!

Alfonzo emerges once more. "My manager has made a deal." He declares. Just then his manager emerges from the watchtower, happy as can be, and says to me, "it's $400.75 a month." He then vanishes into an office.

DID HE NOT FUCKING HEAR ME!?!?! I AM NOT PAYING $400 A MONTH FOR A COROLLA!!!!

Suddenly all the anxiety I had was gone. I became comfortable with myself once more. There are only 2 times when it dissipates; in the throws of passion and in the midst of WAR! This was war. I sat back in my chair, with great comfort. This exposed Alfonzo in ways that I had not seen before. The growing desperation was more evident. I had the power, they had nothing. From here on out I'm coming in with all guns blazing. I'm fucking going in like Chuck Connors at the beginning of The Rifleman!

ME: Where are my keys Alfonzo?

Alfonzo: OK, OK hold on! Let me see if I can get more money for your car.

He frantically runs out of the dealership. Jump slave! Jump!

I take out my super fancy refurbished phone and call my Uncle L .

Suddenly I notice men in Toyota jackets to my left and right, just standing there and leaning in a bit my way. They're listening in on my conversation. I tell L about this and we laugh. I look behind me and there's another idiot employee acting like his sorting through papers also listening. I have seen enough!

I'M OUT!!!

Alfonzo returns with a blank sheet of paper. "Here's the thing." He says and proceeds to scribble a series of mathematical equations that by the end leaves me back at $400 a month and looks like some crude artistic rendering of a cow.

No, no, no!

Alfonzo is using every fiber of his being to keep himself from exploding.

Alfonzo: Why don't you want to spend a little extra on something nice!?! You have 86,000 miles on your car and NO warranty! You get free oil changes for life!!! Soon you will lose your car!!

Actually you dumb mofo , I don't believe in spending what I don't have and I could take my car another 86,000 miles just fine than you very much!!! As for my current ride, there's always a way out of this mess.

Alfonzo: We don't want you to leave without a car today. Let me bring out my manager.

Me: I know I asked you for my keys back 20 minutes ago and you have yet to return them.

Out comes the manager, a hint of sweat on the brow and obvious anger. I'm now ravenous, I can drink a lake and I have to pee so bad that I could put out a 5 alarm fire.

They sit down with me and lean in. Like it's an interrogation in a darkened room with a single swinging lamp overhead. If they could tie me to the chair, they would.

Manager: We've been doing back flips for you! The best I can do is $398.

Me: $2 month dollars less? No.

Manager: How much can you put down?

Me: Now not much, later....1000. What happened to the 600 dollar rebate? Would that not be 1600 down?

Manager: I'm already counting that. I need more.

Me: Where are my keys?

Manager: How about $356 a month!!!?!?

Me: Better but I'll have to talk to MY people before I give you an answer.

Alfonzo: YOUR people? Are you married.

No, dear readers, I'm not. But since they made me wait forever when they talked to "their people" then I might as well have mine whether they exist or not.

Me: Keys please?

Walking Tall

I could not wipe the smile off my face. The threat of losing my car still looms but I did not bow to their terms and I did not let them play on my desperation as they had done with the others that day. As I walked out of the dealer I saw Alfonzo and the manager stare so many daggers at me that I could have been diced into the smallest of pieces that would have never been found.

As I walked to my car I see that they had taken it out for a joyride. It was in a different spot from where I parked it. The radio was turned up much louder than I left it and the seat seemed readjusted. This annoyed me but it was par for the course for this dealer called Colonial Toyota.

I went home, glad that it was over and unsure of what the fate of my car would be. That's it on the left. I snapped it while walking out of a donut shop near to where I work. Nice huh? The chicks dig it.

I got a bottle of wine from the store and sat on my couch thinking how much time did I have left and how would I pull this one out. Have I dodged my last bullet?

Later in the week, on the way back from work, I saw the dealers billboard placed above a lower income neighborhood.

It read "Bad credit? No credit? We can help!"

No. They can't.

Story developing..........

Coming up next on U N L O A D E D, the boss who never was.

A large lump sum is due in order to keep my car.

A series of financial hardships several years before.

A giant billboard advertising little money down and a great deal regardless of credit history.

A phone call to the Toyota dealership who put up the said billboard and an invitation to come down.

The Road to Nowhere

I was late getting down to the dealer. My chest was in one big knot. I don't like being in any situation where I have to pony up big bucks for the long haul. I've had the floor drop out from under me too many times to feel secure in making big purchases.

I get a call from a gentleman named Alfonzo. He would be my salesman and prison warden.

He told me that I was very close to the dealership and gave me the appropriate directions. I was so worked up over this affair that I couldn't read my mapquest directions properly.

There it was, just ahead. The big bright signs and the trademark Toyota logo in clear sight. So many shiny new cars on the lot. So many new driving experiences in the making.

I cut off a minivan to get into the dealer lot. An angry middle aged woman glared. It didn't matter, I was too distracted by the task at hand.

The Madhouse

All car dealerships have balloons, like it's a party or special occasion. If signing away an agreement to to pay thousands of dollars (with interest) is your idea of a good time, go the the dealership.

Alfonzo, greets me in a rushed manner and brings me to a table on the showroom floor. Actually, there are many tables on the showroom floor and one solitary Prius that upper middle class couples (who want to make an environmental statement) keep hopping in and out off. If you want to be "green" you have to able to pay for it I suppose.

All around me are the working class, the downtrodden, the people you see working the counters at fast food places and Wal-Marts. Yes, this is how they get their $40,000 cars and trucks on $25,000 a year salaries!

Alfonzo very coldly asks for my drivers license, and pay stub to prove that I'm a working man. I hand them over and he disappears into a room with windows that allow you to look out onto the showroom floor. In order to look out of these windows you have to walk up steps and sit at a desk that's elevated some feet above the floor that I'm on. It's basically a watchtower to study you as you wait. At least that's how it felt.

The place is hopping. It's a madhouse. Everyone is wide eyed and in awe of the prospect of having a shiny new car in the snap of a finger.

Alfonzo returns from the evil watchtower and asks how much money can I give to him right NOW! I said that I have my car and possibly a few hundred to give NOW! But will have more to give in good time.

"We want you to drive off in a car today!" Alfonzo insists.

That's very nice Alfonzo but I'm not ready for that. I tell him that I'd like to go over numbers on the Corolla first.

But before that even happens, loud, rhythmic clapping erupts and a salesman with a gleeful customer in tow is lead to the front of the showroom. I can see that a large bell is mounted to wall.

The clapping intensifies to a fever pitch with the sales force leading the crowd (lambs) into a frenzy. The customer pulls the rope hanging from the bell and it sounds loudly.

Now the rhythmic clapping stops and it's a free for all of hoots, hollers and whistles.

ANOTHER CAR SOLD!!!

Sounding the bell was not just for anyone, only the privileged few that agreed to purchase a car were given the luxury of ringing it. And let us not forget the adulation of the crowd.

But would I be one of those chosen few? Would the bell toll for my salvation from this plight or for my doom?

The negotiations were about to begin. I was nervous, unprepared, worried...weak. How would I hold up and would a panic attack ensue? What the fuck was I doing here?

These questions, dear readers, will be answered for you in full detail, for your reading pleasure, HERE on this blog.

(take a deep breath and count to 10 with me)

But not tonight.

Tonight I will indulge in yet another glass of wine and take in the sounds of Silvestrov's Symphony # 6.

Tonight I will contemplate all facets of my life and the things that I have done.


To be continued.................

Before I get on with my scheduled blog entries about office cubical lizards, Blackberry addiction and the agony of defeat, I want to share with you all a little adventure I had today involving one of the most reviled places on earth; the car dealership.

YES, the car dealership! The place where dreams are purported to be made but swindles are the real order of the day. The place where that new car smell titillates the senses and intoxicates the psyche. The shiny new paint, the sparkling chrome, the promise of a great deal due to strange terminology like "low factory to dealer incentives" unleash the most magnetic of pulls. You want the car, it's within reach, it has to be within reach because their goal is to put you in that spanking new car TODAY! There's always a way thanks to financing! Those trusty sales folk will make the numbers work for you.....because they care.

(coughing)

The Other American Dream

In America, we love our cars. This is one of the few countries where a family will feel completely justified in buying a Hummer because they need room for the kids when they go to soccer practice. Everything must be big, loud and obnoxious and that includes our personalities. And then we wonder why we're treated rudely when we are visiting another country. You can issue a foreclosure on our houses (the primary American dream) and you can take away our spouses or significant others....but God fucking damn it, we're taking our mother fucking, gas guzzling cars!!!!!

So many of use rely on them but so many of us graft them into our lives to the point that it's something much more. It's like another member of the family, an old friend or a trusted companion. We need our cars. I need my car. And today I thought I might have needed a new one.

WHY?

Ladies and gentleman I'll be completely honest with you, I bought my car in 2002 with a feeling that great prosperity was just around the corner. I had worked myself up from absolutely nothing and landed a job at ESPN. I went from being in a very dangerous area to having a nice little place to call my own in a low crime area. Nothing was going to stop me baby!!

But life did.

ESPN was a den of sociopaths and sadists. Conditions in my job changed which resulted in a loss of income because there was no overtime available. The car I bought was needed but I didn't have the means to plunk down 5 grand up front. I got a loan with a balloon payment which means a lump sum is due at the end of the loan. "No problem" said the sales guy, you can refinance that lump sum or trade it in for a new car at our dealership. The price was right, the conditions seemed right, I dove in.

The dealership closed!

I lost my job at ESPN because I was no longer the "right fit." This really means that I was not fanatical enough for their liking. If not having fantasies of ESPN in my spare time is a crime, I'm guilty. My fantasies revolve around fun things like sex which is where many fantasy ought to lie. Sorry but I'm not going to rub one out over a spreadsheet I looked the day before. Too freaky for me.

I had to file for bankruptcy!!! Made it just before the laws changed.

I was out of work for 8 months!!! Why? Because the freaks at ESPN blacklisted me!!! I finally had to bring in the State Attorney General's office to get the job that I currently have. ESPN doesn't fuck with me now.

I almost everything I had, AGAIN! But God damn it, through it all, I kept my fucking car!

But was it a time for a change before the lump sum of money due made that change for me with a repossession?

I went to the dealer to find out.

Come on Down

I saw the sign at one Toyota dealership saying that bad credit was not an issue. OK, I made the call and asked what the catch was on my mobile.

The salesman on the other line quipped, "I love they way you say that...like we're going to do something to you."

But you are because that's the nature of your job. I know this. I'd respect you more, Mr.Salesman, if you told me exactly what it was.

"Why don't you come down and I can put you in a car today. It shouldn't be a problem if the numbers are agreeable."

What have I got to lose? A few hours of my day!!!

My goal, Get them to take my car and take the difference of the lump sum due and put it on the new loan. It wouldn't be enough to raise the monthly payment that much over 5 or 6 years. Should be OK.

NO! It wasn't!

Ladies and gentleman, I am about to tell you a story of ups, downs, deception and negotiations so brutal that some of us began to sweat. But who and why? And what does ringing a bell have to do with any of this!?!

The answers will be revealed here, on this blog, for your reading pleasure, in full detail for you to ponder and consume.

But not tonight.

Tonight I must rest and put the nightmare behind me with a glass (entire bottle) of wine and song. I would include women in that equation but there don't seem to be any around.

I must collect my thoughts. Till next time..........

Coming up on U N L O A D E D........

Fake bosses. We'll take a look at the cubicle dwelling subspecies.

And later.....

Behold the Blackberry or is it the Crackberry? My addiction revealed!

Also to come.....

Dealing with defeat. I hate to lose damn it!