Can I Please Stop the Coughing!?!?
Well it appears that this dry hacking cough won't subside. Those of you who read this blog regularly recall how at one point the coughing was so bad that I couldn't light the menorah on Hanukkah because I was nearly convulsing. Thankfully, I didn't burn down the whole apartment.
So here I am, a couple of weeks later, and the cough still lingers. While the fever, chills, headache, nausea and such are long out of the way, this damn cough won't leave! It's not as severe as it once was but it strikes at the most inopportune times. It's frustrating and I've heard all sorts of advice like:
- Drink lots of water.
- Get a humidifier.
- Increase my intake of vitamin C.
- Refrain from exercise.
- Resume exercise.
- Get a dehumidifier.
- Lower my intake of vitamin C because it will hurt my liver.
- Forget about drinking water and drink tea with lots of honey.
- See your doctor.
The coughing has lead me through a litany of awful situations.
Last Friday
I figured I'd do a good deed and go to synagogue after work. The coughing seemed to have let up until I entered the sanctuary.
Me: Cough! Cough! Cough, cough, COUGH! Ack! Cough!!!
I take a seat as the services begin and just as I get it under control, a critical point of the service arrives: The Mourners Kaddish
This is a point in the service in which people who lost loved ones on or around this time stand and recite the prayer to mark the anniversary of their passing. As the Rabbi begins to read the names of the deceased the coughing begins in earnest.
Me: cough.........ahem......cough......cough.....cough.......ahem.....
The rabbi then asks the mourners to rise and the reciting of the prayer begins. This is to be a solemn and poignant moment.
Congregation: Yit-gadal v'yit-kadash sh'may raba....
Me: AAAAAAACCCCK!!! HAK!! HAK! COUGH! COUGH! COUGH! AHHHACK!! COUGH! COUGH! COUGH!
I can take it no longer. I get up and stagger out of the sanctuary and head for the bathroom. As I do the congregation stares, mouths agape, eyes wide in shock.
I compose myself in the bathroom and make a return, trying to not call anymore attention to myself.
ME: ACK!! COUGH! COUGH!!! AHEM!!!! COUGH!!!
I excuse myself AGAIN.
Whispers from the crowd, rumors that I am carrying the plague or SARS.
After the service, a wonderful couple about to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary approaches me.
Husband: Boy you sure have one nasty cold.
Me: (nodding) Cough! Cough!
Wife: Rick, we're going to be celebrating our 60th wedding anniversary soon and after services we'll be hosting an Oneg Shabbat at our place. We want you to come by.
Me: (nodding yes) COUGH! COUGH! COUGH!
I give the thumbs up and bolt for the door. This good deed was a total disaster.
Later That Night.......
I needed a fucking drink. I promised some coworkers that I'd meet up with them in Sono, a trendy area in southern CT with lots of hot spots. For a while the beer poured and the coughing diminished. I was feeling a little bit better but I was not there yet.
The good news, I was getting a lot of good vibes from the women in the bars. I like this. But the coughing fits left me a bit inhibited. I didn't want to hack up a wad of mucus on them. That would be a pretty big turn off. We checked out another bar down the street and ran into an attractive redhead we all worked with. She was very happy to see me and sat on my lap. Her hands were pretty free over me and I didn't mind it at all.
The coughing subsided.
She called her friend over to introduce her to another coworker I was siting with. Maybe he was hyped over what was going on with me but he got a little too friendly with her way too quick. Unlike me who didn't mind the aggressiveness, she did. The result? Her demanding to leave and taking away my potential company for the night, but not before getting a nice kiss. Before we knew it, they were gone. I could have smashed a bottle over my colleague's head but we have to work together and he's really a good guy. But really, he may have cost me one. I told him it's best to let the woman lead in these situations. He agreed. I also noticed something that was NOT good....
The coughing returned.
This Past Week......
My boss ordered me to stop coughing. It didn't work. Since it was Christmas time the work volume was light and the office was empty. I sat alone with most of the lights out....coughing.
This Friday Night....
Went back to Synagogue and for the most part the coughing was under control. No more stares. Good deed done.
Saturday Night.....
All is well until I decide to go to sleep. The coughing hits me with a vengeance. I give up on the prospect of slumber and resort to watching Busty Cops 2 on HBO late night.
While the visual stimuli was overwhelming...the coughing subsided.
Suddenly I discovered the pattern and source of relief to my ailments. It was so clear to me and made so much sense. It's what I want, what I need; a valuable lesson.
Never underestimate the healing power of a beautiful woman's body or her affections.
Coming up Next......Where art thou Vegas Starlet?
