The Nightmare Files
They come and go and wake us from our sleep in a fight. Nightmares are a part of life and our brains way of working stuff out. At least that's what some people say. I personally can do without them and at one time they were few and far between. That all changed with this recent battery of medications I've been taking to curb my anxiety and tame my slight touch of asthma. The 2 conditions can feed off one another and can totally fuck up your day. I don't like this so I take the medications while I search for an alternative to deal with the issue. I've told you here before about the side effects of these drugs and both can give you what are called "vivid dreams." I wouldn't mind this if it involved Hawaiian Tropic or Victoria's Secret Models, but they usually don't. Hell, I'd even take a visit from the succubus but no luck there either. These are good old fashioned nightmares and they suck. Today I'll give you a rundown of my nightly trips into the twilight zone.
Nightmare #1: The Super Duper Ultra Orthodox Jew in Brooklyn
There is a BIG, BIG difference between the type of Jew I am versus the SOME of types you'll see scurrying about in places like Williamsburg Brooklyn. Those of you who have been to this part of the Big Apple have seen them all in black with the big beards and all. They have a very tight knit and insulated community which is highly self sufficient. And sometimes they can be a tad unwelcoming to Jews who don't tow their line. But just a tad. Now let's be crystal clear here; I'm not coming down on this sect of Judaism at all, but the ultra orthodox lifestyle to me is.......a FUCKING NIGHTMARE!!!
Dressing in black 365 days of the year, wearing big black hats and growing a big bushy beard is not my cup of tea. Factor in the rule that if you're caught doing anything on Saturday like using the phone or any type of electricity (which warrants a royal beat down) and you'll see it's not fun at all.
Tis the theme of our first nightmare ladies and gents; getting caught using electricity on shabbat. There I was, all in black, living in Brooklyn with a wife I never had before in her standard issue wig and head scarf. We were sharing a cramped apartment with her brother and sister. Everyone was engaged in prayer after an all day affair at synagogue. It was almost sundown and I had to take a leak badly. I got up, went to the bathroom and.....I flipped the light switch. "RICARDO!" Shouted my "wife" followed by a barrage of cursing in Yiddish. Soon her brother and sister were in on it too and then all the Yentas in the apartment complex were knocking on the door waiting for their turn to yell at me.
The next day I was banished from the community which is devastating because ones entire life is supported by the community from cradle to grave. The Head Rebbe ordered me to be stripped of my marriage, apartment and 98 Cadillac which was bigger than my apartment. It was devastating. No one leaves the community and if you do, you lose everything as I did. My support system was shattered and I was forced to live like........a goy!!! Oy vey!! What a nightmare!
Nightmare # 2: The Deadly Mutant Electric Eel in my Aquarium
This was no ordinary electric eel ladies and gents, it was mutated! Like something you see in in the horror movies and highly intelligent as well. Naturally this pulsating bastard ate all my fish and somehow multiplied and spread throughout my apartment. They were in the sink, toilet and bath tub. The HORROR! Not only that but with my little fishies gone there were new mutant creatures swimming about with the eel. Like freakish looking lobster, crabs and fish with giant razor sharp teeth. I was helpless to control these monsters and trapped. Death was certain.
What the fuck?
Nightmare # 3: I'm Stuck in High School
Everyone I graduated with is in their 30's yet we are all still attending High School!!!!! WHY!?!?!? It's half prison, half reform school, part reunion.
I went to a strict all boys Catholic school and hated it now that I look back on it. There is nothing that I wish to relive about it. No girls, no fun, no nothing! It's behind me and then this dream comes up and I'm right back in there. The sad thing is no one else seems to question it. They simply agree to attend class and a fall in line. But not me, I rebel!!!
Why? Because I'm flunking my classes and can't pay attention to the BS, that's why!!! Not only that, we're all in our fucking 30's. My fellow brothers, get a fucking hold of yourselves!!!! I decide to break ranks alone, there is no getting through to the others.
I discover the world outside is a police state. I live my life on the run and in fear. If I am caught, I will be sent back to the evil school.
Not for nothing, but what is this?
Nightmare #4: This House Possessed!
I'm back home living with my grandparents and all seems normal and then, it's all gone. The living room is stripped bare except for the TV and my grandfathers easy chair. The clock on the wall goes backwards and the basement is slightly flooded with just a few items from my childhood and my grandfathers desk and typewriter.
I carry on my life there as best I can. The kitchen is empty, no table or anything. I can't go upstairs for some reason and I'm worried about letting intruders from the outside in.
Then, my grandparents are back and the place is normal. Well.....sort of. One of them will usually be very ill and I have to keep tabs on them and I'm inexplicably driving a late 80's Volvo station wagon. I finally work up the nerve to venture outside and it's nothing like the place I grew up in. It's rather nice but all of my things are packed up in the Volvo. I can't leave, my grandparents. They need me after all but then......poof...they're gone.
What the fuck was that shit?
Dreams and Nightmares
I could go on, I suppose, with more but this is enough as I am exhausted from recounting these stories. I wouldn't mind if they were good dreams but they aren't and some of these are
recurring ones. They all started when I began taking these damn prescription drugs!!
The last good dream I had? I met model/actress Mila Jovovich at a store, we hit it off and I wound up making out with her. The dream ended far too early and it's been a long time since I had a good one like that.
Are these nightmares trying to tell me something? Maybe, maybe not. The could be past things I have yet to resolve or my brain simply short circuiting in the dead of night. I don't think I'll ever know but we all have them now and again. I just wish they weren't drug induced for lack of a better term.
Have you had some weird dreams? U N L O A D them here if you'd like.
Coming up next on U N L O A D E D....... The value of a slow cooked meal. With everyones busy schedules, has this become a lost art form? Are we destined to eating pseudo fast food from here on out? I'll share my thought's next on U N L O A D E D.
