Ricardo vs The Russian Mail Order Bride (Part II)
Behold, Marvel Comics heroine Natasha Romanova aka The Black Widow. Thought to be a descendant of one of the last ruling czars of Russia, Natasha was rescued from a burning building (set ablaze by the Nazis) in Stalingrad by a Russian soldier. She had dreams of becoming a ballerina but later trained with the KGB to become one of the most skilled and deadly operatives ever. Although old enough to have experienced World War II, the Black Widow does not age. She was injected with a super serum which has kept her in peak physical condition over the last several decades. Her hand to hand combat skills are unmatched, she is able to take on superheroes far stronger than she is while maintaining the upper hand. She fires a cable from her bracelets known as the "widows line" and the "widows bite" which electrocutes her enemies with up to 30,000 volts. Her boots and gloves allow her to cling to surfaces and her belt contains some nasty plastic explosives.
If our Russian mail order bride possessed any of these skills then your blogger would be little match for such a refined fighting machine. My dim witted charms would do little to stop her from crushing me into the finest of powders which could be scattered along the Siberian snow drifts. Do recall in our previous post that a Russian woman from my synagogue strongly believed that these brides were indeed KGB agents. But even the legendary Black Widow needed to be rescued from a burning building just like these brides. Rescue, after all, is what we men do now and then to the delight of many women. And you do like it ladies, no matter how many of you out there hate to admit it and profess independence. While having autonomy does indeed make you stronger, a rescue is fun for you once and awhile. You like to have that soldier out there to protect you at the right moments, dominate you at other moments, this I know as fact.
But was I the right soldier for these brides?
The Match Up
Is did a preliminary signing with one of the many online agencies. I've given up on my first prospect, Olenka, who may be stuck in some all womens gulag near Chernobyl. I did not provide any credit card info to these services as it was too close for comfort. I just wanted to see how I would stack up against one of these beauties. After filling in my info, likes and dislikes, I was blasted with a pretty large cross section of women who appeared to be right off the page of a fashion magazine. I could close my eyes and point to any part of the screen and come up with a 10. These women simply could not be real. At least, not in the position where they had to find a man. They were educated, hot and skilled in many languages. Picking one was like splitting hairs. As soon as I found one, there was another that escaped my eye in the lower corner of the screen. It was overload.
Then....I saw her...Viktoria from Voronezh, Russia. She was interested in the fine arts, cinema (not movies), and writing. She was 26, an accountant (what?) but her English needs some work. Would I be the willing tutor or victim?
It's doubtful that any of this is real but as they do in Boxing, here's the tale of the tape.
Her
Name: Viktoria
Age: 26
Birth Date: 09/29/1980
Horoscope Sign: Libra
Height: 5' 5" (167 cm)
Weight: 103 lbs (47 kg)
Eye Color: Blue
Hair Color: Blond
Marital Status: NM
Children: No
Occupation: Accountant
Education: College degree
Religion: Russian Orthodox
Drinking: Never Smoking: No
Residence: Voronezh, Russia
English Speaking Skills*: Limited Beginner
Other languages: No
Me
Name: Ricardo
Age:31
Birth Date: Some time in the mid 70's
Horoscope Sign: Aries
Height: 6'(anyone want to do a cm conversion on this? I failed math! 183 cm? Yeah? No?)
Weight: A svelte 185 lbs (84kg)
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Black
Marital Status: Single and proud of it.
Children: Are you out of your mind?
Occupation: Network TV trafficking hack!
Education: Some college, some school of hard knocks.
Religion: Hedonistic Jew
Residence: Connecticut, USA
English Speaking Skills: I likes to be speakin' Ing-lish all dayz!
Other Languages: I should, but no because I likes to be speakin' Ing-lish all dayz!
So Who REALLY Uses These Places?
She's a knock out, ain't she? While I can't handle this black widow other men may try. But who are they and why would they? You may have your answers but I also have mine and they may be much different than what you would expect. Next time I'm going to give you the low down down on why I think some men turn to these services and why I think women volunteer for them. I don't think it's as clear cut as some of you may think. And you will read about why I feel that way here on this blog, in full detail, for your reading pleasure.
But not tonight.
Tonight my thoughts and dreams will be haunted with the prospect of receiving the "widows bite" and fighting off the poisons of these sirens should I receive it.
