Despite my choice of NOT having children, it seems some are determined to thrust me into some sort of awkward parental role nonetheless.
Our ordeal revolves around a friend of mine who is a mother of four daughters. The girls are going through typical issues that most teenagers face. We will call this friend of mine Mother M. One of Mother M's daughters recently experienced some sort of attack from one of her peers who seemed to be mimicking the erratic behavioral patterns of her own mother. I have met the woman in question and determined in under two minutes that she was clinically insane but no one listened to me at the time. It came as no shock that her daughter would be following in her footsteps.
Mother M came up with the revelation that it could be due to jealousies. Her daughter is tall, blonde, and just turned eighteen. We'll call her.....Lilly. Lilly did a school project with a boy that happened to also be the boyfriend of her friend, the daughter of the crazy woman. With me so far? Here comes the good part.
Mother M: I don't think Lilly knows how attractive she is to other boys. Did you see her run out of the room?
Me: I agree, she doesn't see it.
Mother M: She's going to college next year and she's in for a rude awakening.
Me: As a former college boy, I'd say so.
Mother M: I'm heading out. Maybe you can stay for a bit, pull her aside and have a talk with her.
Me: You...what do you want me to say?
Mother M: You know, let her know that these guys do want her and that things are going to be crazy in college for her. The men are going to be all over her.
Me: (deep breath) I need a drink.
Later
With Mother M gone, I was left with the awkward task of telling Lilly something she may or may not know. Lilly's sisters asked me to hang out with them as they watched "Hanna Montana." I contemplated suicide but there were no efficient means to carry such a task out. Plus, it would be rough on the kids if they saw something like that.
I reluctantly entered the room where Lilly sat. Her younger sister was watching TV.
Me: Well now, young lady. (clearing throat) I......I was told I should talk to you about some of the things you're going to face from us men once you go off to college. (clearing throat) You also may get attacked by your girlfriends. There's a good chance they may be jealous of you or see you as a threat.
Lilly: What?
Younger Sister: Ha!!! I love this. She's embarrassed. (turning to me) Keep going.
Me: Lilly...I know this is really awkward but your mother felt that maybe you'd listen if I told you as opposed to her. Why? I don't know but you should know that what your friend did, by snapping at you isn't really your fault. I know you didn't make any moves on him.
Younger Sister: Oh my God, she's so embarrassed. She can't even look at you. Listen to him! (turning to me) Say more!
At this point I just want to die.
Me: College is going to be totally different from high school....
Lilly: I'm just going to study and do my work.
Me: I don't give a shit about how much you study I'm not your mom. We're talking about the boys here.
Younger Sister: She's going to try to change the subject!! Watch!
Lilly: I know all the boys like me.
Younger Sister: No you don't!!!
Lilly: You should be talking to her. (pointing to her younger sister) She has a guy.
Younger sister: Changing the subject!!!!!
Me: Look I'm sorry, this is more awkward for me than you but if I don't try talking to you about this then I get grief from your mom. Let's do this, you have guy problems and they start messing with you and you need to talk to guy to make sense of it, you can always talk to me about anything. I'll try to steer you in the right direction.
Lilly: OK.
Me: I'm sorry if this is embarrassing.
Lilly: I don't care.
Younger Sister: HA! Yes she does. Will you just listen to him!!!! This is good!!!
Talk with the Man of the House
The man of the house, also a friend, called from the airport. He was away on business. He called to check on the girls and asked to talk to me. We haven't spoken in weeks and he wanted to know how the acting was going.
Me: Your wife just put me in the most messed up situation with Lilly. She wanted me to tell her how she was going to have a lot of men after her and what to watch out for.
Man of the House: (laughing) Yeah that must have been pretty awkward.
Me: It was that and now one of your daughters thinks I'm great, the other one is freaked out, they all think I'm more weird than I actually am. The whole things sucks. I want to go home.
He found my pain amusing. I found myself exhausted and wish I just stayed in bed for the whole day. But then you wouldn't have this crazy blog post, would you?
