Every once and awhile someone will interpret my uncertainty or worry about the future as a signal that I have surrendered on my acting ambitions. Somehow it means I secretly want to go back to my old job in spite of how much I hated it and disregard the things that have happened since. The worrisome aspect is that these are people who have known me for years and claim to have the book on me. It makes me wonder if they knew me at all.
I won't kid you, there are some scary things afoot right now in terms of stability but not once have I felt the desire to go back. If anything I struggle to grasp what's ahead and how to turn the adversity into opportunity. I believe it can be done but sometimes things get overwhelming and it's hard to even get out of bed. I've had so many amazing experiences that, in the bigger picture, may make me a better person. I believe strongly in this. Unfortunately they don't pay the bills but they have given me other forms of wealth that have amazed me.
A friend recently confronted me about the time I put into blogging. He felt it a waste because I'm not making money off of it. I felt his observation to be shallow at first glance but also could understand that getting paid to blog would be a plumb job. I suppose it would also mean blogging about one topic ad nauseam over something like smartphones (which I love) or video games. I happen to enjoy those a great deal also by the way! I wouldn't say I have ADD or anything but I think I'd go nuts having to be stuck on one thing like that. I do commend the men and women that actually do it however. They may find revealing so much personal stuff to be just as awful or perhaps even terrifying. Hell, I terrify myself sometimes but that's what makes it fun.
As the material world around me begins to die, as the safety nets snap, as the floor drops out, something else seems to come alive. I wish I could place it, describe it to you, it's just mind blowing but I'm still grasping it. It's like this wonderful energy that's allowing me to see the beauty in things that I never saw beauty in before. And I'm profoundly moved and I'm motivated to create...something or perform on levels that I haven't felt in a long time but this......this goes deeper. It doesn't hit just the mind or the soul, it embraces both and nurtures it. Suddenly I don't want to fuck, I want to make love damn it! Move mountains! Conquer and surrender all at once to love, life, risk and the unknown.
I know, sound the flake alarms but I think I'm becoming a brooding artist who revels in finding the nuance in everything. Will I be running for a piece of paper to write a poem as I catch the sun setting? Perhaps, yes. But I will embrace this new facet, hoping it completes rather than destroy. And when my last days come, I can look back be glad I had this instead of just a cubicle.
