There are times where I see a homeless person passed out on the street or babbling to themselves and it reminds me of how fortunate I am not to be in that position but the position is a possibility. Life has no promises after all. It's just this giant mass of uncertainty tempered with veneers of permanence which, in turn, creates a sense of security and stability. Some of us work studiously to maintain it. Many make it through a lifetime without its thin surface being cracked. Some are lucky, others aren't. However the "that guy" I'm referring too isn't the downtrodden of society or even the middle class working stiff. Lately, "that guy" refers to my fellow brothers and their behavior in the art winning the affections women.
System Failure
A moment of point blank honesty here, I've lost all sense of how or why I may be appealing to my female counterparts. I no longer have stock of my assets, quirks, strengths or sense of how to market "me." The lack of steady income, future uncertainty and overall stress of being more or less unemployed has left me broken in this regard. I have become a complete dud. I've lost all sense of how to play my cards. My self image has been completely distorted and turned inside out. Let me make something else clear about this post, I'm not interested in compliments. I'm not fishing for them by writing this and trust me, they won't help. Even if you told me I was the hottest guy around, it won't work. Why? I'll get to that later.
Not wanting to be "that guy" came to a head while I was at a bar a month ago and I saw another floundering and lost gentleman come in and hit on my favorite flame haired mixologist. He tried to be funny, he wasn't. He tried to pick her brain, he aggravated her. He tried to compliment her, he instead berated her. I sat back and watched every move he made have the wrong and unintended consequence. It was so elementary and he was highly inept. I felt good about this until my mind asked me what would I do better in such I circumstance? I came up snake eyes.
Personal Resentment
I grew frustrated with myself because I struggled all night with this and still pulled up nothing. Then I realized that not so long ago this would not have happened. A short while ago I had my confidence and a serviceable ego. Most people always threw the ubiquitous term "charming" when describing me. Women mostly said this. I have no idea what the fuck it means and if I had it, I certainly don't feel it now.
So I sat on the bar stool, like a slug, trying to figure this all out. Would I be "that guy" from here on out? Because that guy was not confident or charming, he was desperate. But I was too tired to be desperate. I was, and am, inert, burnt out, fizzled out. There isn't anything left to get me up to desperate or even a passive display of interest. I mean there is energy, passion and confidence when I fantasize about women in my mind but now, in the "battlefield" I've got nothing. I'm distracted, distant, unsure, lost. But every man needs some action now and then, but I can't bring myself to be "that guy" in an effort to pursue it.
Speed Dating
My dear friend of some years, Cindy, was invited to do some speed dating thing in the coming weeks. She wanted to know if I had interest in joining her on this endeavor as she felt strange about trying it alone. My initial reaction was why the hell would I do that? What am I going to say? That I'm out of work and behind on rent? Don't let this one get away girls!!! Cindy then pointed out I had many interesting things to say, like my time on TV shows and how I'm an actor. Many women may find that interesting she surmised. I suppose they might be but I'm still not sure about doing this.
The Fonder Times
Shortly after that incident of seeing "that guy" in action, I was back at my watering hole for the 2 dollar beer special. It's all I can afford and I never get charged full price for anything. I could have paid my tab with loose change. I'm quite thankful for that. I was reminiscing about my times in my early 20s when me and my friends would pick up the au pairs at this bar that had a 10 dollar cover and free well drinks until 11 at night. Me and my friends sampled the world you could say. So my mixologist asked me a simple question.
Mixologist: Why can't you do that now?
Me:What?
Mixologist: Get a new girl every night and have fun.
Me: Well, I'm older now. I don't think they will see me that way anymore unless I was well off or something.
Mixologist: Yes they would. You could easily do it.
Me: You know, I've had a lot of women tell me I'm charming and could get whatever I want if I used it but I don't know.
Mixologist: Oh yeah you totally could. I don't see why you don't have more women.
Me: I'm not working. I have no money.
Mixologist: You can say you're an actor. You're going to be on TV. A lot of women would find that interesting. What's stopping you?
I thought about this, took a sip of my cheap beer and responded.
Me: I guess my biggest problem is me.
She smiled and nodded in agreement. And for a second I thought about being desired and wanted by by a bunch a pretty faces that flashed through my brain. And then I scanned the bar and wondered how I would fare with the attractive women there if firing on all cylinders again. I even wondered in another time and place, if my mixologist wasn't dating, could I pick her up? I may never know. But I know the answer to the question posited earlier here:
Even if you told me I was the hottest guy around, it won't work. Why?
Because I stopped beliving that I was enough.
I am enough.
