What the Hell am I Doing!?!?!?

Behind on the car payment? Check.

Behind on rent? Check.

Behind on every other bill imaginable?  Check!

Working (at a minimum) once a week on TV show? Check!

Potential to work much, much more on several other shows? BIG CHECK!

And there we have it, once side ready to go boom, the other side ready to go bust.  It's all really crazy and sometimes it leads me to ask, just what the hell am I doing?

I have written about this before when I thought it was at a fever pitch but just when I think it can't get anymore crazy, it does!!!

I got a job listing in my email to work at a cell phone store, a company my uncle works for actually. He could put in a good word and get me stability, health insurance, a steady paycheck and access to all sorts of amazing phones for me to play with.  It's sitting right there.  I can apply, make a call and say I had a brief stint doing background acting on TV.  Nah, never landed a speaking role but that's OK. I'm safe here, selling these phones and bluetooth headsets.  Sometimes I even sell leather carrying cases, those are great for my commission.  Soon, I'll have enough money to get a condo in a suburban paradise where people will tell me what I can put on my door and how I should trim the hedges and I'll have to pay them as well.  But hey, that's all swell because this is the American dream. I'll own property that I'll have to pay taxes on but at least I can tell everyone that I own and that I'm...."secure." And then all the others can look at me and say, "Hey, welcome to real life. What's the word on that new cell phone case? It sure is a dandy."

I'll begin to date, which is really just a means of presenting my solvency to the female species which is mistaken for personality. Then I'll meet that special someone.  She'll love me because I have equity and a newer car that she looks good in when riding alongside me on a trip to Martha's Vineyard.   She'll say she loves me for me and that love will only increase the closer I get to buying her that bigger condo or maybe even a house. As long as I keep those cell phones and leather cases moving I'll be on track for....MANAGER!! Then REGIONAL MANAGER and then who knows what else.  During this time she will tell her friends how witty and thoughtful I am and how I was once some crazy artist thinking about acting. To keep me under her thumb, she won't allow me to watch films or TV anymore because that may give me the acting bug again.

No, Ricardo must me kept working in safety so I can purchase gifts and trinkets to show my affection.  And then the contest of how quickly she can rope me into a full commitment will emerge among he piers. She can't loose the race to get hitched after all.  Through sex and erosion of my self confidence she will convince me that not only can I not live without her love, but that I must show it by buying a ring that costs as much as a car, if not more.  Hey, the right amount of carats isn't about showing off, it's about L-O-V-E!!!! Can't afford it? Finance it!! What's a 25% interest rate over something a bunch of African kids died over trying to mine when there's LOVE!!

This will require more sales at my job and plans will ensue to buy a bigger home. We're married now.  Move those phones into the hands of consumers, feed the hole, her hole any hole just feed it!!!  This is about stability, LOVE, the American dream!!  Then the children will arrive.  Despite having a discussion that I don't want them this will conveniently happen by "accident."  As in she deliberately stopped taking the birth control because her and her friends are now in a baby making contest.  She'll have to stop working, for the good of the children, of course. In some regards I agree with that. Point well taken. The promotions will come at the cell phone store with each monetary gain getting quickly absorbed by a new child or tuition for their school until I hit the ceiling and get passed over.  I'll be too tired to fight at that point because I'll a working stiff.  Beaten into passivity by the demands of the wife and kids.  This will go on until I die, before the wife of course.  She'll live many more years.  The reason men die before women isn't because of genetics it's because of the fucking bullshit that I've described above.

THIS IS WHY MEN DIE FIRST!!!  

Ooooohhhh....

(pounds fist on desk)

I can just see my future Stepford Wife and brain dead children waving to me in front of a cookie cutter house.  At their feet is the application to the store! It would be so easy to take this path versus the one before me.  Fuck them all!!!

Yes!  To hell with stability.  I will take the checklist above because although it's grim, it's not that grim and under the melancholia are things I don't have with the alternative; excitement and hope.

You know, I'm feeling really good about this all of a sudden.  I'm going to grab a beer, crash on the couch and watch TV in my underwear before the cable company cuts my signal.  

Coming up....

The neighbor strikes again!!!