While this is a secular blog I really need to get this off my chest. I don't eat pork. Those of you who read this blog ought to know why and those that don't should know that I'm happily Jewish. I am not a guy that runs around wearing a kippah 24/7 (I only wear it in a synagogue) nor am out running around thinking my spirituality is right while everyone else is wrong. Whether you have a different spirituality or no spirituality, that's fine. It really doesn't bother me either way. This is my thing. I don't impose it. It's personal, private, and I keep it out 99.9% of my secular interactions unless brought up. I am very happy being a Jew even if it means that I choose not to eat pork.
Yes, there are Jews who do eat pork. I am not here to judge them. That is there business, not mine. But many Jews do not eat it. NO, it is not about fear of contracting trichinosis back in the ancient times or now. No, it is not about fearing that some powerful force from above will strike you down with a thunderbolt the second a bacon cheese burger touches your lips. Diet is a very big part of Judaism that stems into all sorts of ethical and ritualistic elements that I'm not going to get into here because you can write a book on it. So why am I writing this? Because when I'm amongst friends of MANY YEARS, I'd like a little fucking respect!!!
Don't Lie to Me!
My Jewishness is not a game, a phase or charade that I put on for attention. Therefore, when you invite me over for dinner, I really expect that you're honest with me about what's in the dish your serving up. And when I tell you that I can't eat it, I don't want you to dismiss me or have me justify it. Case in point.
Me: OK what's in this?
Lady of the House: Turkey, pork...something else.
Me: Oh I'm sorry I can't eat that, I'll just have this instead.
Lady of the House: C'mon, yes you can. Just eat it. So what?
Me: I can't, sorry.
Lady of the House: Why?
Me: Why do you think?
Lady of the House: What if I don't tell you what's in it?
Me: That won't be a good move for you.
A look of horror crossed her face as she realized that this topic was not up for debate. A battle lost, but not the war. She would try to get me to eat pork the next time I was over. It became some sort of sick experiment. Here is what happened on the next occasion.
Lady of the House: Here, it's vegetarian lasagna. Or half of it is and the other half is not.
Me: OK what half is the vegetarian?
Lady of the House: Oh, I don't know, it's just all mixed in.
Me: Well what is the other half of lasagna?
Lady of the House: (long pause) Meat.
Me: Pork?
Lady of the House: No they never use pork in lasagna.
Later I informed her that they used SAUSAGE in lasagna which is comprised of PORK!! She played dumb but she must have known this! I felt pretty pissed off and I refused the lasagna which made her bristle but really, stop pushing the pork babe!
The Rabbi Weighs In
A few weeks back I had the privilege of seeing actress Julia Ormond in person. I didn't bother her but I did see her and boy is she a stunner. After an energetic discussion between the rabbi and I about how attractive we thought she was, I brought this nagging issue to his attention. He felt that since these were long time friends, it was sort of an insult to me as a person.
Me: Two weeks in a row they tried it.
Rabbi: Unbelievable.
Me: And it's like a game but I have no interest playing along.
Rabbi: After this, I would stop eating there. Cut the cord. You can still be friends with them just don't eat there.
Me: Seems like that's what I'm going to have to do unfortunately.
Rabbi: I'll never forget this story.
Me: What, about me seeing Julia Ormond?
Rabbi: No, the pork stuff. But Julia is really.....
And the discussion reverted back to her and away went my anger.
Coming up next.....
What the hell am I doing!?!?!?!?!
