In the quest to get everyones favorite blogging bachelor to settle down, I was greeted with another proposal. This latest matchmaking scheme would take me to the far reaches of the globe. And if the first destination doesn't pan out, there's a failsafe. How great to have your bases covered.
Friday
It started out like any typical Friday night for me; a trip to my synagogue followed by a night of boozing and decadence. That may seem strange for some of you but I feel better if I attend a Friday night service and I can't do the Saturday one because I'm usually too hung over. Also, the Saturday service is REALLY LONG. Sometimes, however, I will force myself to go to a Saturday service. It's during this time that they take out the Torah scrolls and, with your tallit wrapped around your fingers, you can touch them. Many people like this, including myself. I feel that maybe a little bit of goodness will rub off onto me.
While I'm no holy roller, this time on Friday helps me clear my head and get centered. It lets forget about everything and reflect for just a bit. And while I don't understand all of the Hebrew that's flying around, saying it aloud does wonders. There's a calming effect that I can't describe or maybe I can but......this is not a religious lesson, this is about getting set up with chicks.
The Pitch
As the service ended, I did my usual handshaking and well wishing to everyone I was sitting by, Loads of sweets and refreshments were being served in the next room over. This was an impressive spread and put the usual ones to shame and for good reason; Israel had celebrated it's 60th year of existence. There were Israeli flags everywhere and the tables were draped in blue and white. I helped myself to a large bowl of fruit salad. I took a seat and started chowing down. After this, it's gin and tonics all night long.
Suddenly, as I reached the bottom of my bowl, a burly Russian woman sat next to me. We've talked before and I've seen her around. She gave me a big smile and it began.
Russian Woman: Ricardo....are you planning to go to Israel soon?
Me: I would like that...yes. Every Jew has gotta go at least once right?
Russian Woman: No, are you planning soon? Like this summer,yes?
Me: Um.....I'm not sure. Why?
Russian Woman: I have idea. Good Idea. I have nephew who is looking for right girl and he is going to Israel. I want you to go with him because we have family. Family in Israel. There is a niece I want you to meet, yes?
Me: Oh..I......
Suddenly, an old woman picks up an Israeli flag and waves it around . It almost hits my head. She's very close, on the brink of violating my personal space.
Old Woman: (Singing) Hurray for Israel! Hur-ray! Hur-ray!! Is-ra-el!! Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hurray!! Hurray!!!
I'm distracted, stunned.
Russian Woman: Ricardo?
Me: Yes, yes. I'm sorry.
Old Woman: HURRAY!
Russian Woman: I think it be nice if you and my nephew went together to find nice girls. He's good boy. He's studying to become a dentist but he can't meet nice girls here. He very frustrated.
Me: I can totally understand that...
Old Woman: IS-RA-EL!!!!
Me: I think that sometimes this is not always the best area for single guys.
Russian Woman: You stay with my family in Israel and meet niece while my nephew meet woman there too.
Me: So he has a date set up there with someone?
Russian Woman: Yes, they speak over internet.
Me: Um....well...
Russian Woman: And if it not work in Israel then there is another place.
Me: Where?
Russian Woman: There is small village. In Siberia. All Jewish and full of nice Jewish girls. But these not mail order brides. They not want citizenship. They want nice Jewish men.
Old Woman: Is-ra-el!! Hurray! Wooo!
Russian Woman: Ricardo, will you go? I need date. You a nice young man. You should meet somebody.
Aftermath
Inevitably this led to a discussion with the Rabbi the following week.
Me: You know that Russian woman? She wants me to go to Israel with her nephew to meet some women. Her niece is a candidate.
Rabbi: Really, you have the girls name?
Me: No I didn't get that far but if it doesn't work she wants me to go with her nephew to meet some Jewish girls in a village in Siberia.
Rabbi: Are you serious? You gotta love this. It's like an episode of Seinfeld or something. This is just so off the wall.
Me: I know, I'm running out of things to say.
Rabbi: Girls in Siberia, it doesn't get any crazier than that. It's pretty far too. I mean, who goes there?
Me: Well, for a really quick second, I thought maybe I could meet my own Maria Sharapova or Anna Kournikova. But I don't want to get put into some crazy, semi arranged marriage. And who knows how these girls look like?Rabbi: Look, if you can get something set up with women like that and it was a sure thing then I'm all for it. You would have to go if they were like those 2. But since there's nothing to go on here for sure....you're busy. Even if there was....you're busy.
Me: That's the answer?
Rabbi: Yep, you're busy.
So does a trip to Israel or Siberia lurk in Ricardo's future? Perhaps. But not under these circumstance. If I go to Israel I'll hit the clubs in Tel Aviv and strike out on my own and if I end up in Siberia...let's hope it's not because I've been sent to a gulag.
Up next.....
Leon's Hulk Tag
and....
In loving memory of Springy the frog.
also...
My thoughts on the terrible hit and run in Hartford that's making the news around the world. It's gotta be bad when it gets that kind of coverage.
