In the quest to get everyones favorite blogging bachelor to settle down, I was greeted with another proposal. This latest matchmaking scheme would take me to the far reaches of the globe. And if the first destination doesn't pan out, there's a failsafe. How great to have your bases covered.
Friday
It started out like any typical Friday night for me; a trip to my synagogue followed by a night of boozing and decadence. That may seem strange for some of you but I feel better if I attend a Friday night service and I can't do the Saturday one because I'm usually too hung over. Also, the Saturday service is REALLY LONG. Sometimes, however, I will force myself to go to a Saturday service. It's during this time that they take out the Torah scrolls and, with your tallit wrapped around your fingers, you can touch them. Many people like this, including myself. I feel that maybe a little bit of goodness will rub off onto me.
While I'm no holy roller, this time on Friday helps me clear my head and get centered. It lets forget about everything and reflect for just a bit. And while I don't understand all of the Hebrew that's flying around, saying it aloud does wonders. There's a calming effect that I can't describe or maybe I can but......this is not a religious lesson, this is about getting set up with chicks.
The Pitch
As the service ended, I did my usual handshaking and well wishing to everyone I was sitting by, Loads of sweets and refreshments were being served in the next room over. This was an impressive spread and put the usual ones to shame and for good reason; Israel had celebrated it's 60th year of existence. There were Israeli flags everywhere and the tables were draped in blue and white. I helped myself to a large bowl of fruit salad. I took a seat and started chowing down. After this, it's gin and tonics all night long.
Suddenly, as I reached the bottom of my bowl, a burly Russian woman sat next to me. We've talked before and I've seen her around. She gave me a big smile and it began.
Russian Woman: Ricardo....are you planning to go to Israel soon?
Me: I would like that...yes. Every Jew has gotta go at least once right?
Russian Woman: No, are you planning soon? Like this summer,yes?
Me: Um.....I'm not sure. Why?
Russian Woman: I have idea. Good Idea. I have nephew who is looking for right girl and he is going to Israel. I want you to go with him because we have family. Family in Israel. There is a niece I want you to meet, yes?
Me: Oh..I......
Suddenly, an old woman picks up an Israeli flag and waves it around . It almost hits my head. She's very close, on the brink of violating my personal space.
Old Woman: (Singing) Hurray for Israel! Hur-ray! Hur-ray!! Is-ra-el!! Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hurray!! Hurray!!!
I'm distracted, stunned.
Russian Woman: Ricardo?
Me: Yes, yes. I'm sorry.
Old Woman: HURRAY!
Russian Woman: I think it be nice if you and my nephew went together to find nice girls. He's good boy. He's studying to become a dentist but he can't meet nice girls here. He very frustrated.
Me: I can totally understand that...
Old Woman: IS-RA-EL!!!!
Me: I think that sometimes this is not always the best area for single guys.
Russian Woman: You stay with my family in Israel and meet niece while my nephew meet woman there too.
Me: So he has a date set up there with someone?
Russian Woman: Yes, they speak over internet.
Me: Um....well...
Russian Woman: And if it not work in Israel then there is another place.
Me: Where?
Russian Woman: There is small village. In Siberia. All Jewish and full of nice Jewish girls. But these not mail order brides. They not want citizenship. They want nice Jewish men.
Old Woman: Is-ra-el!! Hurray! Wooo!
Russian Woman: Ricardo, will you go? I need date. You a nice young man. You should meet somebody.
Aftermath
Inevitably this led to a discussion with the Rabbi the following week.
Me: You know that Russian woman? She wants me to go to Israel with her nephew to meet some women. Her niece is a candidate.
Rabbi: Really, you have the girls name?
Me: No I didn't get that far but if it doesn't work she wants me to go with her nephew to meet some Jewish girls in a village in Siberia.
Rabbi: Are you serious? You gotta love this. It's like an episode of Seinfeld or something. This is just so off the wall.
Me: I know, I'm running out of things to say.
Rabbi: Girls in Siberia, it doesn't get any crazier than that. It's pretty far too. I mean, who goes there?
Me: Well, for a really quick second, I thought maybe I could meet my own Maria Sharapova or Anna Kournikova. But I don't want to get put into some crazy, semi arranged marriage. And who knows how these girls look like?
Rabbi: Look, if you can get something set up with women like that and it was a sure thing then I'm all for it. You would have to go if they were like those 2. But since there's nothing to go on here for sure....you're busy. Even if there was....you're busy.
Me: That's the answer?
Rabbi: Yep, you're busy.
So does a trip to Israel or Siberia lurk in Ricardo's future? Perhaps. But not under these circumstance. If I go to Israel I'll hit the clubs in Tel Aviv and strike out on my own and if I end up in Siberia...let's hope it's not because I've been sent to a gulag.
Up next.....
Leon's Hulk Tag
and....
In loving memory of Springy the frog.
also...
My thoughts on the terrible hit and run in Hartford that's making the news around the world. It's gotta be bad when it gets that kind of coverage.
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I say take a chance and go to Israel!
Yeah but not under these circumstances. And besides I not looking for a bride. They seem to think I am.
if you were to marry in the future, would you only marry a jewish girl? it seems that your faith is pretty important to you
Nurse - No, I don't care what faith she has or if she has any at all. My thing is my thing and it's just something I do. I don't expect the woman I'm with to participate or even care about this side of me. We all have our little sanctuaries. This is mine. Her's can be yoga or something. As I've said here before and as I say to you; The Ricardo welcomes beautiful women of all races creeds and colors.
There are many people however that do want to pair me off with a Jewish woman and I find that to be too narrow in scope. Love and romance does not work that way
Hee.. your post makes me relieved that I'm no longer single.
at least you'd have had a cool trip if the girl doesn't work out...
This whole "Thomas is tribe eligible" thing that I've mentioned before is getting out of hand.
A Jewish girl that I dated in high school called me this week to inform me that she was single and had heard that I was now likewise. We've spoken every three months or so for the last ten years and have no friends in common. How did this come up?
Help.
Tread carefully...that is all I can say.
ManagerMom - Be gad you don't have to be subjected to this madness. It's crazy. LOL! Yes I would get a cool trip out of the deal. Or would I be taken hostage by the family and be forced to marry.
Thomas - LMAO I totally feel you dude. I know exactly what you mean. Is the girl cute? Maybe you can score a quick one get out of Dodge if you know what I mean. How did she find out that you're single? LMAO!! This is gold.
JohnB - No way would I go to either place under these circumstances. But it would make a great series of blog posts wouldn't you say?
to that...I would concede :)
That Hartford thing is bad news. Friends in Illinois are asking me about that one.
Let the bride find you!
Sounds just like some of the crazy fairy tales I've been reading my kids lately. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or bad thing though...
JohnB it would be the blog event of the year. I would need a video camera to do a reality TV like thing with it.
Enemy -I can fill them in. It's bad. And I don't want a bride. I just want to hook up and have some fun. Is that too much to ask these days?
Leah - I think this falls into the category of "twisted fairy tales."
Siberia? Semi-arranged marriage? Dude you must have been tripping or did you have too much of that gin and tonic !!!
I guess it's not really semi-arranged but it feels like that. You can never have too much gin. :-)
I am sorry to laugh at you....but this was soo funny to me. It really was like a Seinfeld episode
Meleah - It's totally fine to laugh at me on this one. It's so strange and off the wall. I'm still trying to process it all.
Wow. I am missing out on so much fun. I need to convert, like ASAP.
Btw, your rabbi sounds like the coolest guy ever.
Hmmm…It does sounds like a Seinfeld episode. If you do make the trek/treks, don’t forget to share your itinerary with us.
Monique - Yeah the rabbi is really a swell guy and saved my skin more than once from some disasters.
SSN - This is GOLD as far as blogging material goes but I'm frightened by the prospect of it all.
HURRAYYYYYYY! (ha)
Question: Israel's 60th year of existence? Hasn't Israel been around for like over 2000 yrs or something? I don't get it. Is it symbolic?
If you do end up marrying a nice Russian rusky woman, make sure you send me plenty of the tater juice they make so well! ;)
Deb - Yes, Eretz Yisrael (the land of Israel) been around for quite some time as you know from the ol' bible. But this is its 60th year as an actual "state" that's recognized by the UN. It became this just after WWII since there were so many displaced Jews after the holocaust. And despite some revisionist historians out there who hate Israel and want you to believe it's some sham, this country was drawn up by the UN. HOWEVER, the wars that followed after Israel declared its independence has expanded Israel beyond the borders originally designed by the UN. This and the fact that the surrounding nations never wanted Israel around in the first place is why you have so much fighting there. This is an oversimplification, but you get the point.
stay away from the russian girls.
siberia?
mercenaries.
though the trip would be interesting as a vacation.
try the english girls if you`re looking to be looked after.......
Dr.A - Sibera seems a bit to cold for me. LOL! The Russian girls are a feast for the eyes however.
I really do think that a nice British girl would be just right for me. I gotta get over there. :-)
I find your synagogue visits to be absolutely fascinating. I'm shocked that you even humor these women! I mean, I guess you have to, but if I were there I'd totally be holding in fits of laughter and making faces behind their backs...
Is that immature?
Huckdoll no it's not immature at all. I do fight to hold in the laughing and sometimes I work hard to fight off my frustration. The loud singing old lady who was almost hitting me on the head while she waved the flag was annoying. but what can I do? Tell off an old lady? Can't win that one. But this was so strange that I was fighting not to laugh.
I don't know how you do it. People stay trying to hook you up. What is wrong with being single? I don't get it. People make it seem like a bad thing.
english (british, which includes scotland etc.) girls.....yeah.
and about matchmaking, it is a form of control. my ex was constantly trying to "set" someone up, including my brother, and i just told her not to bother....at which she became sullen and told me i was trying to stop her having fun.
she tried to set my brother up with a woman from her work. a pretty blonde girl, and even i thought it would be a good idea....in my mind, but i told her, as ususal, to leave other people`s personal lives alone.
months later she and i are at a party and the same girl is in a hot-tub with two of the houskeeping boys from the hospital.
needless to say they needed a little more privacy than they were getting.
now, having said that, i`m not judging the girl for her recreational choices, in fact good for her, but she was supposed to be dating at the time.....and it could have been my brother`s nightmare.
i take relationships seriously enough to leave well alone........and i do enough couple councelling to see the stuff people get into without third-party interference.
Urban - Yes as if being single is a sad and empty way to live. It's not! It's a choice. How many people are miserable in their relationships?
DrA - So stay away from the Scottish and Irish girls?
Yes the whole matchmaking thing IS about controlling others and in a way, living vicariously through the people being matched up. It's sheer madness if you think about it really.
Ricardo, I have been thinking about the proposal ever since you first posted this. Finally, I have concluded what I would do if it was addressed to me.
I enjoy traveling. I relish exploring new places and meeting new people. If the travel and exploration were all that the proposal entails, I would jump at it. However, that the trek is tied to meeting potential brides has me stepping—no, “jumping”—back a few yards.
I am sure there are many delightful females in both Israel and Russia: years ago, when I was first divorced, I frequented a website where women from Russia advertised for American husbands. It appears that there are many very beautiful women in Russia, if one can believe their photographs. Of course, marriage entails much more than physical beauty.
But, you know, traveling to marry doesn’t intrigue me one bit. I suppose one could accept the proposal and make the trip for the trip’s sake and have no intention of connecting with a possible bride. However, I wonder about the ethics of doing that, unless one informed the folks in the U.S. who made the proposal that that was one’s intent.
Of course, the decision isn’t mine. The decision is yours. And I, being who I am, shall respect and applaud whatever you do, my friend.
SSN - Yes I did a series on Russian mail order brides called "Ricardo vs. The Russian Mail Order Bride." I explored the sites and was "matched" up with a drop dead gorgeous woman. But this is likely a fraud as many of these sites are scames.
I too jump back a few yards when these kinds of matchmaking schemes are thrown out to me. First and foremost, I'm not looking to get married but try telling that to these people who won't take no for an answer. Am I for traveling and having some romantic encounters with beautiful woman from far away lands? YES! But not marriage. I don't think I need it and why must being in the company of women be so heavy handed? Can't a moment be enjoyed for what it is?
I think I will visit these lands, but on my own terms and with short term goals in mind. It's a big world out there and I want to sample as much as I can. Heck, I want to sample it ALL!
I dunno. If the niece as really that hot, would she need a blind date?
Leon - Good point. another reason to take my rabbis advice and say that "I'm busy."
I like what you wrote about the tallit and being able to touch the scrolls - it does sound very spiritual.
Your matchmaking and synagogue stories sure are inneresting. Whassup with that? Until I started reading your stories, I though the matchmaking Jewish momma thing was some type of myth.
This was more that Seinfeld-esque. It was...surreal.
Your rabbi is a hoot.
Personally, I think you could find a woman much closer to home!
Ms.Q - Yeah I'm not a guy who belives in "magic" or anything like that but it is a very spiritual thing. I'm glad I have not become so closed off that I can't feel that.
As for the whole set up thing. Um...yes...I think I can find women a bit closer. But this material is too good to pass up. I had to write about it.
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