Matchmaker, Matchmaker: The Yentas are After Me.
With Valentines day just around the corner, I suppose it was only a matter of time before some in my local synagogue decided to take it upon themselves to find me a "nice Jewish girl" or at least try to. I suppose there are some benefits to this like not being served pork chops when it's time to meet her parents for a nice dinner or not being cajoled into celebrating Christmas and belting out Silent Night while pounding down eggnog. Then again, this is America where plenty of Jews will eat pork chops for dinner and sing Silent Night around Christmas time because.....it's a free country.
However, it's more than likely that this is not the type of women the matchmakers at my synagogue have in mind. No, they will only select a girl steeped in the traditions of Judaism and can quote the Torah as if she wrote it herself. From there I will be expected to marry her and produce numerous offspring to carry on the traditions of Judaism by sending them to Hebrew school and such. Tradition must be preserved!
Now ladies and gentleman, there is nothing wrong with this if that's your thing. But this is Ricardo we are talking about here and my mission (missionary?) statement has always been the same. I have said it here and I will say it again for all of you:
The Ricardo welcomes beautiful women of all races, creeds and colors.
That has been my way, it has always been my way and will continue to be my way. I've never been of the thought process that we should all just stick with our own. It's boring and I would have deprived myself of many a steamy moment with women of numerous races and backgrounds. The differences are the spice of life. They teach me something new, exciting. It's an adventure and makes me feel more worldly.
I WANT to run my hands up and down the endless legs of a tall blond in Reykjavik!
I MUST HAVE the sweet decadence and soft skin of a Tokyo starlet!
I WANT to sample (further) the well toned body of a woman in Sydney or anywhere in Australia! And I'm not just referring to the wonderful pictures I see of my muse, Nurse Myra!!!
I WANT to burn red hot and see the pink of a babe in Red Square!!
I WANT to explore and shag a buxom beauty in Great Britain!
I WANT to love the taste of curry in the morning with a rose in India!!!
Argentina, South Africa, Canada...wherever!!! There's a lot I have to do before I check out. And since I can fucking breathe again post Advair, I'm more than ready. And most importantly, I DON'T WANT TO SETTLE DOWN!!!
(looks at all of you to make sure you've gotten my point before continuing)
And now back to my story.
The Matchmaker
A service at my synagogue had ended, I was on my way out the door when an older man stopped me. In this case, I encountered a male Yenta, if there is such a thing. Also, that is what others have designated him as so this is how he will be referred to for the sake of our tale.
Male Yenta: Good Shabbos. I think we need to find you someone. You single?
Me: I am, yes.
Male Yenta: You far from here?
Me: Nope. 10 minutes maybe.
Male Yenta: Good! I think we can find someone for you. Shall we?
He gestures toward the hall where refreshments and snacks are served. It's also used for parties and gatherings.
Male Yenta: Figure....she's gotta be living on her own. Good job. Not too needy emotionally or with the money. Around 5 foot 7 for you. Not too short, you're kind of tall.
Me: I......
Before I can say anything he has lead me to the Head Yenta. This woman is known throughout the synagogue for making many a match for the single folk.
Male Yenta: (to Head Yenta) So what do you think? This young man here. Can we find someone for him?
Head Yenta: Oh, I think so.
Male Yenta: No one too short. She's got to be on the taller side and with a job. We don't need her breaking his bank.
Me: There's not much of a bank to break.
Laughter among all of us as in the back of my mind I think...."um....what is this shit?"
Head Yenta: I prefer to go the emotional route to see if there's a connection. I'm sure there are some you will like. I love doing this and I have a great track record.
Male Yenta: Yeah but some things, you know.....
Head Yenta: No I understand. I'm going to look.
Male Yenta: He needs a nice girl.
Head Yenta: He does. He does.
And suddenly, they vanished into the crowd. As if they were never talking to me. Or were they going to work in finding me the right girl?
Dumbfounded, I went over to my rabbi for guidance.
Me: Listen, can I talk to you for a second.
Rabbi: Yeah sure.
Me: The yentas are after me. They want to set me up with someone.
Rabbi: Who!?! What's her name?!?!?
Me: That's the thing, I don't know yet. But you know a lot more than I do about what's really going on here and I don't want to be slammed with damaged goods.
Rabbi: Before you say anything, no matter who she is, talk to me first. Don't give them an answer until you talk to me.
Me: Thanks, that's what I needed.
Rabbi: Ricardo, I like you and I don't want to see anything happen to you.
A voice of reason! As of now, I remain safe.
Of Course, There's always Room for the Right One
My dear readers, there is always room for the right Jewish girl as well. My outburst earlier was to illustrate that the right one can also come in many flavors. Could there be a taut Israeli sabra who's sweeter than apples and honey in my future? Perhaps. It's all the luck of the draw and where life takes me. Will this search bare any fruit? Doubtful. Still the push to pair me off with a nice Jewish girl will continue. I am now in the cross hairs and there is little I can do about it. Even my blogging friend and performance artist Maya Escobar (also Jewish) is determined to set me up with her lovely friend who is.......Jewish. When I asked why the best answer she could give is because this is what she wants for me. It has to be done. There is no rational thought to it but there is a raw insistence that is almost instinctual.
While I despise (LOATHE) musicals, I can't help but think of this number from Fiddler on the Roof. I imagine somewhere in the predominantly Jewish neighborhoods in my state that there are women at least mimicking the essence of this nonsense. Quite frankly, I'm frightened by it all.
Coming up next......
Final thoughts as this season of U N L O A D E D comes to a close.
54 PEOPLE HAVE UNLOADED:
Wow. What happened next? Did they find you a girl straightaway or is it just in the works? Holy cow, that was gripping. Thanks for sharing and keep up up to date!
PS. I'd love to eat curry in the morning too, if I could.
Thanks for checking my blog, Ricardo!
I'll be back!
~ Huckdoll
Thanks for stopping by Huckdoll. The search is still on. Who knows what will happen.
Curry is good stuff.
Look forward to seeing you again.
Dear Ricardo, any good Jewish girl who has read this post will stay well away. At least for a couple more years till you're down and out before that snatch you up when you're good and ready.
You may not remember me, but we used to frequent much the same blogs. I will stop by here more often again.
we have a match! i hate musicals too
fatty - Of course I remember you and I'm glad to see you back. Me? Snatched up? She'll have to get up pretty early in the morning I'm afraid ;-)
Nursemyra - Are they not the worst thing ever invented? Why? Who felt musicals were a good idea? Burn them all!!!!
I would be afraid as well! It's freaky and...also kinda nice in very pushy way. I mean, they are acting like family, wanting "what is best for you" which...may not be what you want.
Uh...I kinda like musicals. Sorry. Was raised on "The Sound Of Music" and "West Side Story." Not that I go out of my way to watch those things these days. I just have fond memories of musicals.
So..I haven't seen any of the F.L. Webber extravaganzas. Urk.
But back to topic - hooking you up with a NJG? It would make things easier to have someone similar - that would be true for any relation (same values, that kinda thing).
But..if you're not ready to settle down, you're not ready to settle down.
Your rabbi sounds cool!
Man, I've felt your pain. I've been set up as well, by my friends, and let me tell you, you never get set up with a hot, leggy, buxom babe. The guys would save them for themselves.
I sat through a torturous 3-hour performance of Fiddler on the Roof during my junior year of high school simply because this super hot guy was in it. God he was hot. Anyway, good look with the yentas. Maybe you should start singing "Papa, Can You Hear Me?" to make them think you're nuts.
Good Luck Ricardo. I hate being "set up" but I do know some people who have met their match that way.
I do like your list of wants from around the world.....I'm certain that I have many unknown kids running around in Korea and Japan. Just think you may eventually have little Ricardo's on every continent soon.LoL
I cant even imagine being "set-up" like that....ugh.
I don't have any yentas after me to find a good Jewish man. Perhaps we don't have any here. I think it's different here on the West Coast. I would probably be frightened too. I'd be praying that he didn't have too large of a nose.
Now I think about it though...the guy I'm currently seeing has a rather large nose. Oops.
Ms.Q - I do see what they are trying to do because in their eyes they want to see me "happy." But happy for me is not a house and wife with 2.5 kids. What can you do?
I hate musicals and while I did not hate the actors I knew who did musicals, I hated how they tried to turn real life into musicals by bursting out into song without warning.
My Rabbi is cool and he knows that some people may be trying to pass off a woman who is either:
a.ugly
or
b.a total nut case.
He's already shot a few inquiries into me down. When I asked why he just rolled his eyes, shook his head and said, "Please...please." He does not belive in these matchmaking things either.
And just for the record Ms.Q, the Ricardo will never settle down!! Wooo!
Leon - You know it's really bad when it's at a religious institution trying to do the set up. It simply can't work.
Moniquie - I feel your pain. I will NOT sing anything from Yentel or anything harkens back to "Babs" as that will make me the apple of every woman's eye over 50. And there are lots of them at my shul. I deserve to be shot for pulling a stunt like that. MUSICALS SUCK!!
Clay – I gotta get a vasectomy Clay. I gotta get a vasectomy. A little prevention can do wonders. Was this romp through parts of Asia during your time in the service?
Meleah – You see what these crazy Jews do behind closed doors!?!?!
Liz – Yes I agree it would be a bit different on the west coast. You have lots of transplants which weeds out the “traditionalists.” It’s a very unsettling feeling. Like you’ve lost control of your love life and you’ve been transported to some ancient feudal system.
And if your boyfriend comes across here upset about the nose comment I’ll cover for you and say I threw it in there to make you look bad or something. I got your back.
Yes, Those good times spent in Asia were all compliments of the USMC 80'- 84'. I do plan on going back to Korea soon.......I will definitely have to stick to my nothing under 30 rule to avoid any accidental inbreeding. LoL
if you're not ready then by all means, don't settle down yet - nothing good will come of it if you do.
Clay - there is a tear in my eye and it's because I'm proud of you. THIS, my friend, is cultural exchange. And yes, avoid any women under 30 if you were that prolific. Then you have the makings of an Asian horror film.
Alf - Agreed. Nothing could could possibly come out of it so I must exit, stage left.
Every race religion and creed. hehe....Love it!
I also love this clip on Youtube - LOVE Fiddler.
When I first clicked onto your blog, I immediately saw the Jewish Princess and was like, "Ohhh nooo what did he do?"
There are a lot of cultures that are adamant on having their offspring marry someone of the same religion and race. I can respect that, but when it comes down to someone strong in his faith that cannot be deterred and is willing to learn a new culture and "respect" it - then it's a beautiful thing.
This was very interesting! :)
Deb - When it comes to my island, all the hotties are welcomed. But seriously, I can understand the need to preserve the Jewish identity among the diaspora as there are so many things that are not in line with Jewish traditions here in the US. And let's be honest, not everyone is going to move to Israel. So the need to make a close knit community that is self nurturing becomes essential to some who worry about this stuff. But for me, in some ways, it's too much of a good thing. Of course I'd love to date some hot Jewish women! But let's not go crazy here.
Pretty hot girl in the pic, eh?
so clay, who's supporting all those kids you've got running around in japan and korea?
I have no less than four friends working to fix me up with, in their words, "the perfect Jewish girl."
I'm not at all sure why they're doing this since I am neither Semitic by heritage nor Jewish by faith. I'm a practicing Pagan of unambiguous anglo-saxon stock so I'm really curious as to the thought process behind any such arrangement.
Maybe it's because I work in movies? Maybe I just project as culturally Jewish? Maybe I'm such a great person that all my Jewish friends wish I was Jewish? I'm pretty doubtful of that last one but still, I don't like being hooked up, especially if going to temple is one of the riders.
I recommend sex tourism. It wears less on the soul
Nursemyra, I'll reveal everything on the Maury show soon, just keep watching.
I have never seen that movie.
anyway, from a mom's prospective. I want all of my children to find a perfect match someday. We have a rule in my house that no one dates until they are 16 years of age and you must have good grades in school. I have seen 16 come and go three times. My oldest didn't date for the first time until she was 19years old. My 20 and 17 year olds have never dated. They could if they wanted to that just haven't.
I remember how exited I was when my oldest daughter told me she was going out with a boy. I was thrilled and exited for her. I even had the camera ready.
I have dreamed of finding the perfect mates for my children but honestly I would not interfere...although I might help a little. :)
I'm sure someday you will find that perfect someone. Of course I don't believe marriage is for everyone.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that at least one of my five children will give me the privilege of being a grandma someday. :) It's so hard to wait.
I've never been in your position, but I have witnessed matchmaking & gosh, I think it's kinda insulting to think that a person can't be happy with thier own self and that they need a partner to validate...
Anyways-I used to think that religion & spirituality didn't matter when it came to partners, and it doesn't matter too much when you're just dating someone. But, take it from me-when you're married and raising children with someone who has different ideologies-it gets sticky.
Good luck on your journey...
Wow! That's kinda wierd!
yes. I do see...and Im scared!
Oh... Matchmakers... Never liked the lot of them. I would run like hell and don't look back.
we really don`t need partners to validate us....unless we need that validation.
validation comes from all manner of places. work, casual encounters, friendships, pets.....
we need partners to have children, and it helps with mortgage payments, but to validate?
i think we need to adress why we feel so invalid without a partner.
is it conditioning that does this?
i met a woman recently and we have coffee and talk about all sorts of things and she`s so much like me it`s kinda scary, but to commit to a relationship....honestly makes me a little uneasy.
fear of commitment?
er, if it`s the way the others were, and like the ones i see around me, yes.
That is sooooooooo weird!!! What kind of cuckoo synagogue do you belong to anyway??????? I'd say I'm kidding but...okay that's sort of strange. Although I have to admit that when I got my current job I was asked in the same sentance, practically the same breath if I needed a stapler, a stapler remover, a hold punch & whether or not I wanted to be "set up".
I ended up going with a Jewish dating website when I did sign up for online dating. I was up for dating any religion but as far as "settling down" or "being serious" with someone, I just figured if I dated Jewish people I'd already have something in common and presumably already share a basic set of values. Neither of those things were present in my marriage and I wasn't up for facing that again.
You on the other hand, since you aren't at all willing or ready or whatever to "settle down", that worry isn't present and so it seems like it wouldn't matter. But for me what I found our sort of right away was that it was still difficult to date already knowing for certain that there was no possible future due to a difference of religion.
I mean, I only dated one not-Jewish guy after my divorce and it was hard. But then again it wasn't like dating the Jewish guys was any easier until I went on the dating website...I dunno...never mind. I have no clue what I'm saying and I should wait & post this after some time to think...but since I've typed all this...well, those are my first scattered thoughts and scattered is about what I have to offer these days!
Nursemyra – I’ve heard that the World Bank has put a freeze on some of Clay’s assets and the proceeds from that are insuring their proper care.
Thomas – Heee! Heee! Heeeeee! I’m not sure what’s going on there. Sounds like you are going to be made into an honorary heeb whether you want to or not my friend. I see yarmulkes in your future. LOL! The tourism you speak of could very well reduce brain damage.
Clay – I must watch I’m sure.
Marsha – I will NOT tolerate musicals in my household. And your comments are spoken like a true loving mother. Which is no shock. And you’re right marriage is NOT for everyone. How else can you explain the high divorce rate? If you are taking pictures of their first dates I think they are going to hide their relationships from you. I would have at that age because I’d be embarrassed. LOL! .And of course you have to interfere just a bit. You’re the mother! And you will make an excellent grandmother who is prone to spoiling her grandchildren far too much. But that’s what grandparents do.
Leah - I totally agree. No partners needed for validation. I say stand on your own 2 feet. It’s all these top 40 love songs that preach codependency. Now the whole raising the kids thing does become very dicey. You don’t want it to become a power struggle over which way your kid goes with that stuff. Not to say it can’t be done but I can see that it could be a very slippery slope. And Leah, good luck to you as well.
Meleah – They’d be after you. Non stop. I can see it. LOL!
BBE – Indeed but it’s not something that the synagogue itself supports. It’s really people taking it upon themselves to look out for one another. Well meaning, yes. Misguided, heck yeah.
Urban – You know there is never anything good behind either curtain. Matchmakers are trying to push off damaged goods. I just can’t see it working.
Dr.A – Totally agree. We don’t need them for that. To enhance, yes. For the means you describe, yes. I think we are conditioned through all modes of communication and mediums to settle down, get married, reproduce, consume, spend and consume more. How many family members have wrote off other family members as failures because they weren’t married with a house and kids by whatever age. We have people who don’t want it doing it because they are told this is what they are supposed to do. There’s a huge issue with that.
Jill – LOL! Hold on just a second here, you say my synagogue is crazy when they did the same thing at yours? Or was it the Hebrew school? They not only offered matchmaking but office supplies in one sentence. Sounds like more of the same to me. It’s everywhere. And remember this is the people of the synagogue taking it onto themselves. This is not something promoted by the rabbi or ANY of the staff there. This is not a cult. We are a member of the USCJ. My rabbi was one of the people that helped put together the Etz Hayim Torah for the Jewish Publication Society. Seriously. LOL!
Are you on Jdate or something?
so, in russia the divorce rate is around 80%......
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/LAC.20080211.OLIGARCH11/TPStory/?query=oligarch
american style consumer values meets slavic temprament.
now, this doesn`t describe the behaviour of all women. there are those who don`t watch tv much.
Dr.A - Wow what an article. But TV is not the root of the problem here. It's our own unhealthy sense of validation that is projected onto the TV that gets the ball rolling. We projected it and it gets reinforced by viewing and just goes on and on in a loop. But WE are the issue because we are saying "Yes, we want more of this." and from there it goes into print, books, magazines, newspapers, billboards, music. You can't hide. But you can be aware of it and once you are you will be a step ahead of somethings. I was told that when I was studying acting to take in every type of medium you could. TV, music, film and so on and understand the direction the tide is going. then when it's time to create, you'll know what to swim against to be original. It's amazing how many problems I found by this. In fact, I still find them and they manifest themselves in articles like this. Excellent find.
Jewish day school and yes, I was offered office supplies and to be set up in the same sentance. I looked so dumbfounded though that the office manager said something along the lines of "guess not" and let it drop at that. Maybe it's just the way you tell the story that makes it sound so twighlight zone-ish.
Yes, I went on j-date briefly - ten days, actually. Just enough time to meet one guy (who responded to my request for a guy who enjoyed songs about chickens or whiskey). So far so good...
Best of luck with avoiding the matchmaking...I am much more of a believer in chancing upon the right partner rather than having someone track them down for me. I just don't like having people 'involved' in my life like that.
Tracey
Jill - Songs about chicken and whiskey eh? LOL! You know it's a match if he can dig that. I will say that it was a bit Twilight Zone.
Tracy - I agree. The heart is a fickle thing. I don't believe in this kind of stuff. It's so much better when it happens naturally. It's not as forced. And while they are trying to be be helpful by assuming this would make me happy, it would not. Unless of course it's the woman pictured draped in the Israeli flag. LOL!
well clay, be sure to let me and ricardo know when to watch Maury
Happy Valentines Day! xxoo
I just realized you are going on hiatus again. Now that the writers are back you want to take a break? Sup with that man...
Just playing... We all need time off...
Nurse Myra - The ball is in Clay's court now. Clay what say you? Can we get the episode on DVD?
Meleah - Thank you and the same to my my lovely. I hope you are spolied silly on this day.
Urban - Strange how that all worked out isn't it? I'm tapped out and don't have much more to say. And if I keep going, I may jump the shark.
You play Fiddler on the Roof songs and I think you're talking right to me.
Way to push the right buttons. :)
Mr.Lady I aim to please, don't you know.
Yep - not only did he come up with a song about a chicken on his email to me, but he had music and books right on his profile page. I was like, "Yep. I'm writing this guy back alright."
The only other guy I gave my phone number to was SELLING a working juke box. I was like, "I can't date a guy who would sell a working juke box and hang onto who knows what other kinds of junk!" Well, I mean technically I COULD date a guy who would sell a juke box, but not when there was a guy available to date who would (in all likelihood) KEEP a working juke box...
Run Ricardo Run!
nursemyra, I'll go a step further and just admit to you here and now that I've been a very naughty boy......and after visiting your lovely blog.....I'm certain that you need punish me with a spanking. Once thats over I'd like to make up with you and..... play doctor maybe? LoL
triply skrewed....i love your sense of humour...and deductive reasoning.
ricardo, there is a meta-mechanism at work here. the emergance of the "feminist" movement in the last century meeting the explosion of print media in the form of helen gurley-brown`s delightful blurbs and driven by the vitriol of betty fiedan et al.
we all understand the plight of repressed individuals in any situation and certainly "some" women have been unhappy in thier arrangements.
haven`t we all, at times.
but, to attack the very foundation of our society by convincing all women to forsake the values of thier birthright (fuck, i cringe to even type the words, as our society has devalued motherhood so far.)for a shot at the executive washroom key........
and i`ll ask the women`s honest opinion here and now, do you like raising children and working full time and trying to enjoy life and living up to the expectations of consumer culture, and wanting to be "treated like a woman...." too.
the meta-reality is that we`ve been convinced to give up the family values for two careers and bigger piles of bricks....
the question is, by who and why?
what was wrong with the way it was, and why did it change so radically in such a short period of time?
.....if not, I'll settle for Olivia Newton-John's phone number.
Jill this sounds like a match. As for the Juke Box, I imagine his place must be like an attic full of random things that work and don't work What dating site is this you are on again? I want to get a sample of the ladies on there.
SJ - I am running...to the King Fisher Calender Girls!!!!!
Clay - You are a savage!
Dr.A - Whoa that is a loaded comment here on unloaded but there is a point I'd like to address before turning it over to any women who wish to have a say in this. I believe the way it was in the US became devalued in the 60s because of what happened in the 50s. Then you did have lots "housewives" that became clinically depressed and disenchanted with the notion of staying home to take care of the children. They wanted careers and a shot at things that men enjoyed in the workplace. Some found fulfillment, others were happy to retreat from the workplace and raise their families. I'd say it's a case by case thing really. Then let us not forget the single mothers who have the massive task of having to do BOTH with little choice in the matter.
As far as doing all of this for material gain, there are unfortunately many couples who do this. They see happiness in terms of property value and keeping up appearances. This is highly dysfunctional and not the way to go in my book.
Ricardo - It was jdate. Yeah that other guy seemed like a collector of just about everything. Since I'm a tosser/giver away of just about everything not sure about that one. But the clincher was the juke box don'cha' know! :-)
the `50s were a post war boom period, and an amplification of the pre-existing consensus of romantic love and pair-bonding that we have come to know as marriage and family. both the state we are in now and that which existed in the `50s are economic reailties.
sure some women were unhappy then, as some men are unhappy now.
what i am indicating is that there has never been a deterioration of the family until now.
historically, hardship brings families together.
now the opposite is happening.
Jill - I bet that guy could have a kick ass tag sale.
Dr.A - Yes the 50's did amplify everything that was already there. Your question is valid as well. Families DO NOT stick together and it's happened to yours truly. It's become an everyone for themselves deal when crisis erupts. Is it placing too much value on self importance? Has sacrifice become a lost concept? We have a very disposable culture and I think it has seeped into the concept of family as well.
and i want to say that i`m not holding any of us responsible....men or women.
my position is that we have all been victimised for the benifit of commerce.
my ex and i have to support two seperate house-holds to raise our children now.
You're right Dr.A. We put a lot in the back seat for the sake of commerce. It's a shame really. We've lost our priorities. I know the divorce was difficult for you but I am hoping the worst of that is over.
yeah, thanks ricardo, the divorce was difficult in that i felt we had destroyed our childrend`s home.
they have adapted, and we are just as close as we were then.
i just had to get over my own personal loss of the role of an everyday father.
done and dusted.
a new life emerges.
enjoy your hiatus brother.......
Dr.A - thank goodness for kids being so resilient. They are sometimes better at rolling with the changes than we are. But even though the role of being an everyday father may have changed, they will need to know you are there for them everyday and that's a big one.
I'm sure you'll have no trouble sending out that vibe.
dude.. this place is stocked to the hilt.. come check it out haha
Oh I know they have some VERY hot women in Israel. Especially Tel Aviv. I hear they are everywhere you turn! Is this possible?
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