Why We Men are "Men"
True story going back to when I was training as an actor. I was going to night classes at a place called The Atlantic Theater Company around the meat packing district in Manhattan. The class was about analyzing a script and performance technique. Each week we had find a partner and perform a scene for the rest of the class to critique. One particular scene that didn't go well for yours truly was from a play called Suburbia by actor and writer Eric Bogosian. It was a wonderful coming of age tale of youngsters who were going nowhere post high school and pissing away their time in front of a convenience store. You've seen these types if you've ever had to go to one to score some milk, candy or sodas in a pinch. They think they have it all figured out and use it as a justification to go nowhere as they wax philosophical about life while they chain smoke.
As a 24 year old with a chip on his shoulder, selecting this work to do scene from seemed to be a perfect fit. I found a partner, a gorgeous female, and we were to do the one scene which I could not pull off. Perhaps the only part of the play that felt like a huge obstacle instead of fun: Opening up and expressing my feelings of fear and vulnerability over my character's girlfriend leaving for college and likely to bigger and better things. The scene commenced. Awkwardly I stumbled through, trying to find my grounding to power through this mess.....but I couldn't. Mercifully it ended and reactions from my fellow actors commenced. The first person to comment was an actress. I'll never forget what she said, "It seems like you had a lot of trouble expressing how much you care for her. But it's probably got nothing to do with your acting ability and more to do with the fact that you're a MAN."
The other actress nodded in a agreement and murmured in a "tell 'em sister" kind of way. I had no rebuttal, she was right.
Weakness
From an early age many of us boys who become "men" were not encouraged to express our feelings in anything that comes close to being articulate. Many, but not all of us, were taught to keep it inside to not dwell on it. Just keep moving on until things work themselves out. But the more we hold it in the more emotionally unavailable we become. We carry the weight with little left for anything else when an intimate relationship comes along.
We're told to be strong. Not flinch, be a man. Tough it out. Talk of feelings is not supposed to be in a man's arsenal of weapons. If we do open up we run the risk of looking weak, wimpy, or the ultimate kiss of death...sensitive.
Sensitive = Dead
Somewhere along the line the big thing for men to be was sensitive. In fact, some years ago all the talk on news programs that did a fluff piece on relationships heralded a "sensitive man" as the model that men should aspire to be. Think Tom Hanks in the film Big. The word sensitive in and of itself is not bad but the distortion of word is. To show understanding of someone else's feelings and your own in a way that's expressive and productive would technically be considered "sensitive." However the pop culture definition of sensitive, and the definition that prevails, is a guy who cries at the end of Little House on the Prairie reruns and pretty much lacks any spine when a confrontation arises. Most men don't want to go there. It betrays the code we're all taught while growing up to be a man. And women, most likely, will appreciate the sensitivity of a man when used at the right time and sparingly. While women may say they want a man that is sensitive, I feel they actually want a man that's dominant with genuine tendencies of sensitivity. There's a difference there, a big one. Unfortunately finding men that can walk this tightrope is difficult and many women wind up dating jerks. Why? They mistake the abusive behavior for dominance. They can't find a guy that can do both because we weren't adequately prepared to handle both while growing up.
So you may notice, ladies, that even the men who do not act like jerks have a sort of wall up. And at first that wall may seem exciting to you as what's behind it is a mystery. Women like to unlock the secrets of their men in due time. There's nothing wrong with this.
But perhaps the word sensitive should be put to rest as men who need to nurture a true sense of it, won't because the distorted definition prevails. And again, what man worth his salt wants to be that? Sensitivity, as we've wrongly come to understand it, is dead!
And it should stay that way.
But is it Feminine?
Another true story. A former best friend and I were at a bar watching a Knicks game and we were waiting for a woman who was interested in me to show up with her friend. As they entered we got to talking about how we were concerned about a mutual friend who was getting mixed up with the wrong woman and was playing all sorts of head games with him. He was in a wretched state and we hated to see him like this. The 2 women were fascinated by the discussion they were overhearing.
Woman #1: I'm really amazed by how feminine of a discussion you 2 can have about your friend. I didn't think men talked this way.
Woman #2: Yeah, it's really great that you 2 can talk like this.
Me: Feminine? What the fuck does that shit mean? We're worried about our friend who's dating a total bitch.
Woman #1: Yes but the way you were talking was not something we see guys do. I mean we women talk this way, but I didn't think men did.
Me: Explain this to me....
Woman #2: Well, we didn't think men really opened up with their feelings like this. My boyfriend and his friends don't.
Actually they probably do but far away from you because they don't want to reveal that part of themselves and be called feminine. Granted, there's nothing wrong with feminine if you're a woman or a very flamboyant man or drag queen. But for the rest of us guys, that word, like "sensitive" is the kiss of death.
Here''s another thing. Expression on feelings is not something exclusive to femininity. It's a human thing. Still it's not surprising that many women feel this way about men. They are going off experience.
There is more to our journey in discovering the difference between the sexes and I will share the rest of my thoughts in full.......
But not tonight. Tonight I will imagine a utopian world where male and female understand each other and make love....not war.
Coming up next.....Part II of why we become "men."
32 PEOPLE HAVE UNLOADED:
I agree, guys like to gossip just as much as girls.
I would have been equally shocked to overhear a deep conversation between two men about concern for their friends happiness.
But I do know men GOSSIP...(and...just LIKE WOMEN)
Alf - yes we men are good at gossip just as you ladies are.
Meleah - Yes we gossip. Ha! it is funny to see I guess. But this was a very serious conversation and I have these conversations all the time with the fellas and it's nothing out of the ordinary for us. Why would it shock you to see and hear this from men? We really have made a mess of things haven't we? I hope you're not too cynical of us men but if you were I'd understand.
hmmm... that's really well written. and gives an excellent perspective.
It is nice to have a man's perspective on this and to know that you all weren't born with ice in your hearts.
Even though I'm a woman,I can relate to this post.I was repeatedly called "too sensitive" in the past and it made me totally shut down emotionally. It was terrifying to me.
Looking forward to part 2! :)
nursemyra - Thanks and I hope it helps. I'll reveal more in my second installment that may be of use to you as well.
Leah - No not all men have ice in their hearts it's just that we have a hard time breakig the ice when we need to open up. glad you could relate as being called too sensitive does evoke feelings of weakness that no one wants attached to them.
Sadly we do live in a world where many people do have ice in their hearts and it has nothing to do with anything discussed here. They are just flat out evil.
While women may say they want a man that is sensitive, I feel they actually want a man that's dominant with genuine tendencies of sensitivity...
That statement spoke to me. To be honest, when I was dating, I really didn't know what I wanted in a man other than one thing: we had to be able to talk, really talk, like into all hours of the night about any subject. I didn't care about anything else. But it was far easier to find guys with money, good looks and the like than to find that one thing I wanted. I personally think men are just as sensitive as women, maybe more so in certain cases, but social norms may hold them captive. I'm always impressed when a man says "to hell with it" and lets his feelings be revealed. I look forward to part 2.
Enemy - Good points. It is very hard to find anyone with the perfect balance but you try anyway and why not?
I agree with you, women don't want sensitive men. It's a total misguided statement. Granted theyre are some that do want the "sensitive type" but those women usually are the controlling type and don't care for the sensitivity so much as having someone to control. A "sensitive man" is more like to go along with it and be strung along rather easily.
Many men will say to hell with their it and reveal all and there's a way to do it without coming off as a wimp or weak or whatever. It's not a bad thing.
I think I sometimes forget that men are human but I'm always pleasantly suprised to find out that they are. You're super human, my friend!
Thank you Maritza. But don't go giving me the keys to the city just yet. I have yet to tell you of the moments where I have stopped being a man and did the "man" thing.
but men get to be unavailable because the learn that somewhere at an early age.........
and women don`t want a sensitive man. they want men`s man all the way.
and then complain about it.
so here we all are, not being honest about our true feelings, except when we do.
occasionally it`s not too late though, and sometimes it`s just in time.
if you dare.
now having said all of that and getting some backs up, there is a solution.
the next time you are in a situation.....try to be honest with yourself.
you know the moment, because your gut is screaming at you, it`s just that years of conditioning have made you react that way.
enemy, you are correct. the conversation is the thing. sharing feelings. if you are being authentic, then eventually you will find someone who is too.
Yeah, that's a difficult one. It would probably help if *women* actually knew what they wanted. I for certain am way better at knowing what I DON'T want!
The thing about the guys and the talk and the women's surprise, I don't think I would have been all that surprised to have overheard your conversation. A little maybe, but probably not.
My guess is that you're just more articulate than they're used to - nobody wants to see their friends hurt! I mean, for all we know woman #3's boyfriend may not have a vocabulary to use while he's trying to protect his friend. He might be limited to things like, "Hey you need to dump her!"
Enemy - yeah, after being married to a guy who never wanted to talk to me for 12 years, I was very attracted to men who could carry the full weight of a conversation. I didn't realize for a good while that I wasn't actually talking WITH them, they were just talking at me and I was enjoying it after all the silence.
Dr.A - Yes they do want a man's man all the way and they do want you to be a rude fuck now and again to flash a little dominance. I've seen it a thousand times. this is what to do if you want to play games which is NOT predicated on your solution; honesty. I think it takes less energy to do what you propose than the games we play which are counter productive and silly.
Jill -Good to see you. Missed you.
I think women do know what they want but they have been sort of "trained" to not say it and hide it when it comes to relationships. I think the fears of being called bitchy or slutty may have a role but there are other factors as well. I'm glad that a conversation about being concerned about a friend is not a feminine thing to you. That is a rather strange label to put on it. The articulate thing I understand and don't agree with. I'll discuss that further in my further installments on this subject. Also remember, conversation must be mutual. Don't be talked at. Get talked to.
I loved the way you wrote this post! I hope you never give up on your writing.
I've had many conversations with one of my best friends (male) about your very topic. He said that when he's expressed his feelings and shown his vulnerability, he's ended up having it used against him (in a romantic relationship). So he's no longer as outwardly sensitive as he used to be.
I think men are as sensitive (as in having feelings) as women - they just express themselves differently.
MsQ - Thanks. What your friend said is correct and this goes into my "tightrope" scenario. I will also get into this in the next installments on this topic.
men and women are all walking this "tightrope" most of the time.
the tension we hold to keep balance on the rope ages us and makes us angry and resentful toward those of the opposite sex for what we believe we are being deprived of.
honesty breaks the back of this tension and eventually, when we trust ourselves enough, we can let go of the need to be on the tightrope to begin with.
the relationship we need to be honest in is the one between our ears.
when you are unattached to the outcome of your honesty, then you can speak your mind without fear, and sit back and see your world change in front of you.
this doesn`t give you the permission to be a harsh critic though, the tool you have in honesty must be used with integrity.
I think it has everything to do with vulnerability.
To be vulnerable - you have to be strong. And, it may sound like a complete oxymoron, however, it takes a lot for someone to remove the huge wall they've built and let somebody else in - or become "sensitive" as you say.
With you, I'm not surprised that you've had this conversation, because I see you as a strong man - comfortable in his own skin. Men who are weak, uncomfortable in their own skin lack the sensitivity that people "expect".
This phenomenon that men are insensitive is a bunch of b/s. I've seen past the huge wall some of them have built up, and I have seen these huge walls being built up very high for some women as well.
Even though estrogen plays a major role in how sensitive they can be, I truly feel that it all comes from the heart.
And that my friend...you have!
My friend said that it's a "landmine" out there with respect to male-female conversation. I've read enough about communication and relationships that I can understand while he feels that way!
I have found his observation about "women take things personally" to be very true and I have done it myself!
I wish I could think of an example but he's told me that time and time again he'll share something that he's observed about some other woman with the woman he's dating and she'll map whatever he has said to herself.
On his side he'll be thinking, "It's just a story" but on her side she'll think (or be worried about) that it's some complaint about her as in, "Do I do that?"
I like DrA's comment about being unattached to the outcome of your honesty. This is a wonderful way to be spiritually as well as in communication. When you're unattached, you don't react defensively.
I think we all have so many misconceptions and preconceived notions of what is right and how the two sexes should behave that we have left no room for evolution. The man of today because of necessity has to be different from the man of the 60s. The frame of reference in our heads has to change if we are to survive and co-exist peacefully.
Great post
My brother fascinates me in this regard. We grew up with very emotionally closed off parents but he seems to have an easier time at expressing his feelings than I do ... although he still has the general male awkwardness at times. I can't help but giggle whenever I hear him whisper "I love you too" to a girlfriend.
Wow. You hit the nail on the head. Explains why women date assholes.
Dr.A - "the tension we hold to keep balance on the rope ages us and makes us angry and resentful toward those of the opposite sex for what we believe we are being deprived of."
EXACTLY. It's such a stupid waste of time isn't it?
"when you are unattached to the outcome of your honesty, then you can speak your mind without fear, and sit back and see your world change in front of you.
this doesn`t give you the permission to be a harsh critic though, the tool you have in honesty must be used with integrity."
This is so very true. I was in a relationship of sorts where the woman in question claimed to be honest and transparent but backfired miserably and annoyed me. Why? There was no integrity behind it, rather it was an excuse to be manipulative, rude and not be held accountable for her actions. I have little respect for these types and I have no hang ups in hurting them right back in a sensitive area. Not the best thing to do, but I'm only human and not a fucking doormat.
Deb - Thank you very much. And you're correct. It takes tremendous strength to face and expose your vulnerabilities to yourself and others. It's like peeling off the band aid on a deep wound and letting the air around you do it's work to heal it. Have you noticed that if you keep a band aid on a wound for too long it won't heal right? I see this as an analogy to our vulnerabilities. They are wounds of sorts that we build walls to protect but the more we try to protect the more the wound festers and the healing never starts and the problems are never solved. But once we face our vulnerabilities I think we can beat them, shrink them down and tame them to something that is not as scary as we once thought. Of course new and deeper vulnerabilities may surface but this may be a sign of growth. I hope I'm making sense here. LOL!
MsQ talking to some women is like trying to sprint through a mine field. Many of them will take the most benign elements of your conversation and blow them out of proportion. It's crazy and frustrating. I've had women accuse me of trying to call them old because I mentioned an elderly woman. I've had other women accuse me of calling them fat because I mentioned a friend who was male and going through weight issues. The list goes on and on and It hurts my head to think about it. What's shocking is how women will go into a total tailspin over this and be knocked out of things for the rest of the evening playing bits of your speech over and over again in their heads until they nearly self destruct. This is my cue to stay far, far away and chalk it up as a loss. Next case please.
Random - We have indeed stacked our preconceived notions so high and so very deed that we have cut ourselves off from a higher understanding of one another. This is a shame as there is just so much more out there that we can't get to until we clear out all this rubbish. It's a difficult task but not impossible.
Monique - I commend your brother for bucking the trend and is expressing himself. And it's very hard for men to say those 3 words so leave him alone! :-)
Leon - Yep, they want a mans man but instead wind up with abusive assholes. Then they wonder why they are never happy. This is not the case for all women, mind you but for man....it is!
I have read this and want to comment but I can't quite get my thoughts together, I will come back when I'm done thinking. But I will say that our society is toxic for men and for women too. It's toxic for anyone who doesn't get in line and if you are one of those who don't, then you just have to draw on your inner stregnth and your intelligence to get through it intact. And it will only make us stronger.
BBE I wonder if this is just an issue here in the US. Is it that bad everywhere else? It is toxic. Sound like your wheels are turning. I'm interested in what you have to say upon your return.
Ms.Q "On his side he'll be thinking, 'It's just a story' but on her side she'll think (or be worried about) that it's some complaint about her as in, 'Do I do that?'" Oh yeah I do that one. BUT in all fairness, I think that there's a lot that goes on that we don't pay attention to and that SOMETHING made the person think up that particular story to tell at that exact moment and that there might be a complaint or a compliment in there, sure. Or it might just be that a cat happened to walk across the street and its collar was the same collar as the woman in the story's cat or whatever but I think usually those stories do come from *somewhere*.
On the landmine thing, I think there's OFTEN a huge gap between what we think we've said to someone and what they actually heard. Especially if it's a subject that person is very sensitive about, or if it's otherwise really important to them. Just yesterday I asked my principal about a conversation she had had with one of the parents from my room by saying, "I want to know if what I think I told her is what she heard me say." At any rate, what you said was whatever and what she heard was some topic she's hugely sensitive about. I think everyone has their land mine areas, just maybe some people have more of them or some people don't hide their hurt feelings quite so well. I'd think if it's just that one area, I could stay away from it as a topic of conversation in general. But if it's a lot of different areas I could see why walking around on eggshells all the time wouldn't be very fun.
On the comment actually directed at me :-)
"Good to see you. Missed you." Same here!
"I think women do know what they want" I still disagree with this one. Before I was married I knew what I wanted: a husband, kids, and one of those stupid white picket fences, whyever the heck I have no idea but I sure fell for any guy who promised me one of those stupid fences. At any rate, I had no idea on the ***specifics**** though.
After divorce it got a lot more complicated and I still had no clue what I wanted until I finally figured out: I want someone who likes the rest of me as much as he likes my boobs. It's WAY EASIER to list off the stuff I DON'T want. Do wants are way more vague, so I dunno, I still disagree but then again, maybe I'm on a totally different discussion than you are.
"I'm glad that a conversation about being concerned about a friend is not a feminine thing to you." That is TOTALLY not feminine to me. Now had you been discussing your favorite shade of lip gloss or which brand of maxi-pad had superior adhesive, THAT I would consider a feminine conversation. (Always brand has the superior adhesive, btw.)
I just thought I'd throw this in though: although I don't think your conversation was the least bit feminine, I do think it's sad that men in general find it insulting be called feminine. You know what I mean - it's just the world we live in that it's ok for a female to have some male traits but a guy that has a typically female trait or two is supposed to be ashamed.
Even in baby naming trends it's totally unbalanced. Once a certain number of moms use a boys name for their girls, moms no longer name their boys that name. Shannon I think used to be a unisex name and now there are only girl Shannons & there are a bunch like that. There are starting to be girl Reeces now, so Reece probably won't be a guy name much longer. But it never tips back the other way. It's always ok to give a girl baby a masculine name, but never the other way around.
like everything else in our society, conflict between the sexes is about commerce.
the media promotes certain values that become emulated.
it is certainly better for the economy that adults live alone whether they have children or not, because single adults have to feed, clothe and shelter themselves and pay for lawyers etc.
so to promote this situation, the media and therefore culture has to promote and amplify the differences between the sexes, and sensitize us to them.
as the media has grown in our society, so has divorce, feminism, family law etc., in direct proportion.
the nuclear family is the last bastion of the traditional values of our culture, and while many are unsure of why they want to become parents and raise a family, the fact remains that we want to at the core of our existance.
that 52 ince plasma screen in your living room is bringing hi-def images of dissatisfaction directly into your neo-cortex.
i have been without t.v. for so long that whenever i`m in someone`s home and exposed to t.v. broadcast for any length of time i`m staggered at the types of images that are blasted at people.
occasionally boys and girls break all the rules and actually have a conversation without taking things "personally" and we can talk about things like this......
Haha, this post is too funny Ricardo. I like your story about the acting class too. How did you female partner look. Maybe you couldn't get into the role because of her too, lol.
As far as growing up holding back because it's not manly, I didn't have that experience not really. I grew up with my grand parents. My grandmother in particular had a big influence on my life.
She was sensitive, but she knew when to be strong and she even loved sports, especially baseball. She was passionate about it. I kinda got the best of both worlds being raised by her.
Going back to your conversation with your friend about your other friend, well, I think that is how your lady friends translated the situation. I'm sure your concern over him and the way you were talking about it was in every way 'manly', lol. Especially when you throw in words like 'dude' or 'what the fuck', that makes it more manlier, lol, excuse my French.
There are other worse words I could think of other than 'sensitive' that could be considered the kiss of death. 'Sensitive' is mild considering where I grew up.
Looking forward to the second part.
Jill - WOW. So much to respond to here so let me go with the firs thing that stuck out in your comment. Yes, many men with a few exceptions will find the comparison to being feminine to be insulting but I have seen women use the word "manly" to cut down each other when they discuss another woman's looks or something. I think when a person is compared to the opposite gender, we tend to associated it with the worse of that gender. Vut things like concern and such should not be gender specific as this is something that we should all demonstrate.
As far aw women not knowing what they want, maybe you're right. But let me ask you this, did you want the picket fence scenario because you were told to want it? I find that we are repeatedly told to want this that once we obtain it, all our issues will magically be solved. this is not the case in my opinion and not everyone is the ideal candidate for the picket fence scenario, hence the unhappiness.
And lastly the land mine thing. I think it's all in the delivery but with some people no matter what you say, they will turn it into an indictment on them. This is solved by being more honest and upfront with one another instead of viewing conversation as some form of a secret code.
Dr.A- As a man who works in the TV biz I find that the appliance gets a bad rap and is scapegoated far too much and gives people the excuse to not work on their own issues. I think the media an their messages are WAY off sometimes and operate on a an alarmist agenda because TV is saturated with so many channels that they are competing for our attention using the lowest common denominator. Like anything there is TV that can be engrossing and TV that can rot the brain just as their are books, websites and radio that can do the same. It's garbage in and garbage out with any medium. However with all that being said the media does promote certain values that people will indeed try to emulate. Sometimes for the worse. But avoiding TV won't shelter your from it's sphere of influence. You will then have to dodge current best selling books, magazines, news papers, radio and so one. Why? Because all these mediums are run by the same few corporate conglomerates! If they don't get you on TV they will get you elsewhere. The consolidation of media is a problem as it's losing it's voices of diversity. A homogeneous media is a bad media.
Rolando - I was raided by my grandparents too! And I think because of that I'm a better person for it. My grandmother hated baseball because my grandfather and I would take over the TV to watch the Mets. They were incredible people.
As for the scene partner, she was HOT!! Thanks for reminding me of that detail. I went back and added that in in to be specific. You didn't want to let this one go my man.
And feel free to swear all you want here. I do. In that "feminine" conversation we were being very articulate with our emotions until the "f" word came out and we slid into guy mode. We did call her a bitch quite a few times before the women called us the "f" word.
Second part is on the way.
I was seeing American Psycho and it's interesting how Christian Bale the title character (what a performance) is sensitive esp. compared to his non-psychotic friends.
SJ - Maybe we all need to get a little psycho then. But some would say I already am!
Post a Comment