Part II: Why Men are "Men"
It's not easy being a man these days or any other. I've heard so many women tell me that I'm lucky to be a man because we have not as much to worry about. We get paid more at jobs, we're all part of the "boys club," we don't have "that time of the month," and the alleged simplicity of our emotional intellect is so much less of a burden.
It's not shocking that women would come to this conclusion. We haven't given them much to go on. We put out the fact that we don't worry about some of the things they do and we work so hard to avoid the affairs of being put on the emotional hot seat that we seem utilitarian, mechanical, unfeeling unless it's time to screw of watch the game. Is this truly the depth of the men?
The Uniform
Somewhere along the line, the expectations of what we men should be and do in our daily lives became what the stuff that "men" do. Along with the struggle to properly articulate our feelings, this internal deficiency had to also show externally. In my 20s there was even a uniform that "men" wore. And may still be worn now in suburban hell.
- Hair was to barely be combed or little attention was given to it. This would be concealed by a baseball cap.
- A flannel shirt or some type of button down shirt from Abocrombie & Fitch, the epitome of boring no matter how stylish their catalogs get.
- A T-shirt underneath said button down that promoted some form of hard liquor or lewd activity that I wouldn't mind doing with the right woman but wouldn't care to broadcast it either.
- Ill fitting jeans that haven't been washed and could fit 10 people inside of them.
- And finally, an expression intellectual absence accentuated by having your mouth half open at all times and a blank look in your eyes.
Mind you this is not a sweeping statement on all women, just a sample of what I saw here in my neck of the woods. They were all Stepford Wives in training, this is Connecticut after all, and you could see the suburban train wrecks that would become of these courtships years later where cookie cutter on the outside would meet the buzz saw on the inside. What horrors would develop behind that picket fence? There's a few book and movie deals that could come from it, I'm quite sure.
WOOT! WOOT! You're Out of Uniform!
I'll never forget this conversation I once had with an attractive young woman who simply could not accept that I was able to match her discussion on things deemed too sophisticated for a typical man to digest.
We got onto the topic of films. Artistic ones.
Me: I'm glad to see the independent film movement coming alive here in the US. There's been so many great films that I've caught down at the York Square. But I still have a soft spot for foreign language films.
Her: Porn films?
Me: No, I said foreign language films.
Her: Yeah, sure. At the York Square Cinema?
Me: Yes, I go once every couple of weeks. I like going alone because I sort of clear my head that way and get ideas for my own writing.
Her: Right, so what did you see there?
Thinking she had me cornered I rattled off a list of films and what I thought of them from pacing, to camera work, to writing. It was as if she was hit by baseball bat over the head.
Her: Well it was nice talking to you...um...see you around?
She staggered off, dazed, confused. What happened is quite clear in hindsight. She thought I was trying to talk film to get into her pants, she got proved wrong and when that happened, she couldn't deal with it.
She was so conditioned to think that men will do and say anything to get laid that when I came to the table with facts, she collapsed right in front of me.
Real men are not supposed to watch these films! They want Chuck Norris or something. WRONG. Mind you I can kick back and enjoy that kind of fare, but I can also indulge in the highbrow as well.
This speaks to a bigger problem that we face when trying to be honest and open with women. When you do show what they want to see, many reject it as a ploy. Why? Because it's too far off from the norm. "The uniform." The very thing me and other men are not, nor do we aspire to be.
The Tightrope
At 24 I was dating a woman that was 32. She was rattled by it at first but she was attracted to the fact that I could be articulate about things that other men could not. Because she was a little older, she could appreciate that that quality and not see it as a "ploy."
I still wasn't fully grown into my skin so to speak. I was hammered by insecurity and a feeling of being lost. It was what you could call a quarter life crisis. It hit me bad but she didn't seem to mind it. One day she opened up and told me something that I thought to be nothing more than lip service.
Her: You can't see it now but once you start being comfortable being the man I see in you, you're going to be very dangerous.
Me: Whatever....
Her: You don't see it yet but I can. You're going to grow into it and you are just going to be amazing.
Me: Grow into what?
Her: Being comfortable with being a real man.
Rest assured, dear readers, that I didn't write that to turn this into an essay declaring me the perfect man, I'm not. I'm VERY far from it. But what I've come to understand from that conversation is something that is slowly happening to me now and moving forward. That is, being comfortable with myself and having a quiet confidence about me that resides just below the surface and is not in your face. Too many men want to flash their fangs to show how strong they are. That shows insecurity. A man comfortable with himself knows when to relax, just be.
Women have become so cynical of us men that to be too open and articulate at first glance will scare them off. You have to know when to use it. You have to honestly convey the sense that you can find beauty in a poem or sunset sometimes and have the strength put an unruly persons head through a window or table (literally and figuratively) at other times. That, in essence is the tightrope that many a man must walk in this world of juxtaposition.
Do women know what they want? Is this even enough?
Maybe not as there is still a host of other issues that arise when women encounter something they find "too good to be true."
I will reveal them here, for your pleasure and feedback..............but not tonight.
Tonight I will indulge in a French film with subtitles while having a glass a wine, then flip on my PS2 and play a few rounds of WWE Smackdown vs. Raw.
I will be both man and "man" in one night.
Coming up next..... Part III of why men are "men."
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I enjoyed this post!
I gave up watching television a while ago because I couldn't stand the portrayal of both men and women in relationships.
I'm not sure if "art imitates life" or if "life imitates art", but I began comparing myself and my husband to these characters and it was depressing.
I know it's not real life, but I feel that the media plays such a big part in what we expect out of relationships, whether we know it or not. Television plays a role in altering our perception and turns us into "cookie cutters housewives" and "uniform wearing men".
Life is good without the boob-tube :)
And you're so right about the 'tightrope'. I had a friend who anytime he'd do or say something that he felt was feminine, he'd turn around and do something completely 'masculine'. Such as say he had to get going to watch UFC or something (kinda like you did at the end of this post)
Oh gawd that "grunge" look was all the rage when I was in college. Hated it!
I struggle with my definition of "manliness" in the men that I date. I do like the balance of male-female energy in a relationship; after all, that's one of the reasons I am heterosexual. But, while I want a man to be a strong person, I don't want him to be so "strong" that he's a complete brick wall to talk to ...
On the flip side, self-aware men freak me out, because they expect more out of me.
Le sigh.
Leah - Yes the portrayal of relationships in TV is silly and more of a problem than solution. But portraying dysfunctional relationships generates drama and drama is what people tune in to see. For better or worse. Of course these portrayals aren't limited just to TV. You can hear it in music with songs that preach codependency instead of true love and trashy books that are extensions of what we see on TV and hear in songs. It really is all encompassing if you think about it. But like I said,the drama comes from portraying and heightening problems which gives you conflict.
What your friend did is something that a lot of guys including myself do. It's to wash the femininity away I guess. LOL!
Monique - even though the flannel is old and gone they still wear those button down shirts from Abocrombie. that has remained constant and will never change. I did not see this uniform during my time in NYC and took my clothing cues from there.
Self aware men will want more because they have put a lot of work into themselves and expect it in their partners. It could be overbearing if he really pushes that. Sounds like you want a tightrope walker.
Well at least I don't have to save my legs.
Back in the day...when I wasn't married lol (that was 2.5 years ago), and was dating and all that jazz...I have to say that I never looked for a guy that was as how you described them -"man" lol. I like the feeling that a guy can protect me (whether I think I need it or not - meaning, I'd rather he not be a total wuss - screaming when he sees a snake is BAD). But, if he happens to be fashionable, like some of the things I do, enjoys foreign films or whatever (and of the non "man" stuff)...see, I actually enjoyed that.
So...maybe it's where you are going to meet this ladies? But, if a man ever sat on my couch watching the TV and ever so much as muttered the "woman , get me a beer" like "man" is sometimes protrayed...I think I'd be chucking that beer at his head. :)
It's true in both hetero and homo cases where we do what we see. TV has a lot of influences on what type of drama we bring on and it definitely affects the way we view certain issues and handle them.
Whether soft-spoken or outwardly barbaric man - either one will ever figure out what a woman truly wants.
We're too complex.
Now imagine my situation - women with women.
Oy vey - I gotta hop this high fence!
SJ - Right on brother!
Ashley -Welcome. It's great that you can appreciate a guy who is not the typical "man." In fact it's really great to read because if you feel that way, then it's likely other women feel that way as well. As far as the places that I went to go, yes that may have had a role but there isn't much of a choice here in CT. As many a New Yorker continues to move up here, that is starting to change but truth be told, I have to get out of here. The scope of what's acceptable here is far too narrow for it's own good. And a man should never scream when he's seen a snake unless it's wrapped around his neck and killing him or just bit him in the face. And the "get me a beer woman" type will always deserve a can to the head. You want the guy to be strong but not overbearing.
Deb - I would think that because you are on the otherside that you would be better equipped to decode the wants and needs of women. I guess it's so complex that not even women can fully understand women. That really does say a great deal at what an uphill battle many a man (and women) have in unlocking a woman's mystery.
Good one, bro. My sister in law would bemoan that women that she admired would often settle for a man with a pulse--that's it. I would tell her that it was their problem; I don't pity them for putting up with an idiot just to have a man in their life. I know that sounds harsh, but I dated some jerks in my time, and I've learned that sometimes being alone is a better thing.
I don't hold those things you mention against men. It just is. I do wish men could be able to understand what women go through as possible choices from a predator: sexual violation, beatings--I know these things happen to men, but women are taught to fear and fear breeds rage. I've had this discussion with my husband upteen times. He admits that he can never fully understand that fright and nervousness that goes with the territory. I would rather men understood that part of the female burden than anything else about us, even PMS!
Well Enemy....there are some evil and crazy palookas out there that can resort to that kind of stuff and it's pretty sick. And with the way things are in the world it's better to be a little cautious than raped or beaten by a predator. It's important that while being aware of these dangers that women don't cut themselves off from interaction with males and be paralyzed by that said fear. Without risk there is no reward. And most men are not the type to resort to that abhorrent behavior although it may seem that way to women who are survivors of such traumas.
There's also a lot to be said for people that stay in a dysfunctional relationship for the sake of "having someone." but you and I know it's not love but codependency.
EXCELLENT post and amazing writing!! I loved it! I sent the link to you prior post to the "friend" I mentioned in my comment and his reaction was something akin to "glory-hallejulah I'm not the only guy who feels this way (about the tightrope)". He finally decided to just be his own man and comfortable in his skin.
I love how you turned it around on that woman speaking about foreign films!
I also agree with Enemy about men being aware of the fears that women have when it comes to predators. I am pretty cautious when meeting someone who I've only 'met' online for a date (they don't have my phone number and I have a special email address).
I don't like to think this way but when it comes right down to it I'm small and pound for pound, a man can overpower me.
None of the men I met complained at my caution and were understanding of it. I would call them sensitive men - as in, able to empathize with my situation.
From what I've learned in talking with with men, men want to be accepted for who they are just as much as women. They don't want to be typecast, they want to be hugged and YES, they have admitted that dang it is nice to "just cuddle."
"Porn films?" I love that part. It's sad that many women have stopped searching for the men they want and settling for these beer guzzling, sex crazed morons. I agree with Leah. Men are always portrayed on TV as loveable knuckleheads. Great post. Looking forward to Episode...I mean, Part III.
MsQ- Thanks glad you like it and glad you are enjoying this and glad your friend feels better in his own skin and agreed with some of my points.
I found her attitude to be so bad while that conversation was going on that I would have rather rubbed on out to a porn than spend the night with her. Sorry to be crass but I'd rather be alone than with the likes of that.
As I said to Enemy, there's a lot of crazy people out there and you have to be careful, BUT that is not the main reason why so many women do what they do and why men become "men." Truth be told, most men worth their salt will understand women wanting to use some caution.
Leon - I'm a sex crazed moron myself but not to the extent of being a knucklehead ;-)
great post!
but. um.(now I am embarrassed to admit this)...I love Abercrombie and Fitch clothes. A lot!
(all of my t-shirts are from them)
Meleah - BOOOOO! :-P
But seriously, you can find good cloths in all sorts of places, including Abocrombie. But when EVERY DUDE is wearing THE SAME SHIRT with the damn Abocrombie Logo on it, it does become a bit much.
The women’s cloths there are a bit of a different story. More elaborate designs which breakes up the uniform thing. Granted there is only so much we men will tolerate in the case of elaborate designs but when every dude is wearing the same 3 shirts when I'm out bar hopping, I'm glad I'm sporting at the other boring I for got to mention, Old Navy.
LOL!
This series is hitting the nail on the head.
Women are confusing. They expect so much of you with little information to go on. I'm sure no woman wants to see a man cry (look weak) but at the same time she wants him to be sensitive to her needs. I can appreciate that but where is the line drawn and how much do you think one man can take?
I'm venting because I've been down this road before.
Woman I know usually want that Man's Man. The one that seems so strong and can take care of her and protect her. Behind closed doors though he is not only protecting her but she may end up feeling she needs protection from him. Abusive men are usually what they end up with. But that is another story for another day...
Women are confusing as much as people are confusing but we can only "Keep on Keeping On."
Urban - What you are seeing is women seeking dominance and getting, in reality, totalitarianism. Many women have a hard time differentiating a strong man from an abusive one as the traits are very similar on the surface. But a strong man doesn't need to be abusive. His strength comes from restraint and denial. The restraint is not opting for violence but using his head to resolve the conflict. The denial comes into play by being able to say no to his female counterpart. I don't mean denying in a cruel way but to tease and snatch away the things she hungers for just at the right moments. Make her work for it, beg for it. Women liked to be teased this way. So sometimes, don't sleep with her. Don't kiss her, don't hug her. Smile. Look right into her eyes and into her soul and smile. Hint that she'll get what she wants. Eventually. But move on. Make her wait.
But if your going to do this.....pick your spots. And pick them carefully.
Hi Ricardo :)
Long time! I’ve been a little quiet lately, simply enjoying the holiday time-off and leisure.
I'm glad to see many posts and thoughts expressed! As usual, your mind is full of ideas to share. I even managed to read though all of your posts since January 01, 2008. As I see, you had an adventurous holiday night with lovely ladies ;) And I'm absolutely impressed with your recent articles about men. For us, women, you clear up some things in these posts.
"While women may say they want a man that is sensitive, I feel they actually want a man that's dominant with genuine tendencies of sensitivity." The right understanding of what women actually want from men. At least, from my standpoint.
You ARE a great writer Ric.
we are forgetting that delightful psychological mechanism called projection.
we project our internal state onto the actions and motives of others.
Ricardo-I don't know why I'm having such a hard time thinking of how to reply to this post. I suppose because there is so much I could say that I can't narrow it down. when you told the story about the independent films, my thought was that the woman probably didn't leave because she thought you were too sensitive or not manyly, she probably felt intimidated because you were talking over her head. As a matter of fact, I was thinking when I was reading that maybe a lot of this has to do with whether these women want someone intelligent or not, more that how they feel about masculinity. I think that maybe some women find that intimidating.
Pfff---you ain't kidding! Women are the most complex creatures - so many hormones flowin'! The only reason I lasted with my current partner, I believe, is because she has a lower flow of estrogen. (heh) Don't tell her I told you that though!
Hey everyone, sorry to have taken so long getting back to some of your great comments, so here I go.
Nellioness - Welcome back. I was wondering where you were. I knew this would be right up your alley. A BIG THANK you for reading up on some of the older posts. Glad this was able to clear things up a bit for you. It's very hard to write this. And did I touch upon the elusive secret of what women really want? Where's my super model? :-)
Johhny Handsome - Welcome. Projection is yet another factor in all of this. It's important to not see things through such distorted lenses that we continue to misinterpret the motives of others and deprive ourselves of the opportunity of having something great. I think we've all done this to ourselves at one point or another. Also, if our internal state is out of whack we also project an out of whack image of ourselves to women and that's just going to attract none of them or the wrong ones.
BBE - Good point but this does actually tie into men and "men" comparison. "Men" do not typically show their intelligence. They show aggression through arbitrary acts and simple speech akin to grunts and snorts. Do women want intelligent men? And this young young women claimed to know a thing or to about these types of films. If so then c'mon bitch, let's dance.
Deb - So it all comes down to the estrogen flow eh? I wouldn't doubt that. It does seem to do all sorts of nutty things to women. Scary stuff. Your secret is safe with me.
Hey Ricardo, great post! I like all the examples you've provided from your personal life. Kinda reminds me of the movie 'When Harry Met Sally'.
We are who we are and Billy Crystal puts men in their place just as you have and in a very honest way. Not all of wear 'uniforms'.
Did you ever hook up with the girl about the foreign films, lol j/k.
Ricardo, my new personal site could be found here - http://www.myhushspace.com/
I saw that you were redirected to my truck site.
Rolando - I was wondering where you were! Thanks for the link. I'll swing by for sure.
Yes, Billy was a the man in that film and I appreciate the comparison as it's a flattering one.
not all of wear the uniform and not all of us want to. I sure don't.
as for the girl, I'd rather watch porn than be with her. The attitude was awful.
haha, another pretty one with no personality and a bad attitude, lol.
Too many of those around Rolondo.
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