When You Hate to Lose
Well, it seems like an eternity since I decided to announce my entry into the Slamdance screenwriters competition. At the time my hope was to advance enough to get exposure and feedback. And, as some of you may recall, the feedback was VERY POSITIVE.
However, in the end, it just wasn't enough to get over the hump. I've known about my elimination since the end of summer but I've held back on discussing it until now. Why? Because I wasn't sure how I felt. On one hand I was grateful for the favorable review but on the other hand I as perturbed that I didn't advance further. Trying to rationalize the logic of the judges is beyond my control. In fact, it's not even something I should dwell on. It's one loss out of thousands of rejections that are headed my way. It's the nature of the business. But I surmise that even the most seasoned writers deep down agree with me when the rejection comes.
It Sucks!
I don't care how thick skinned you say you are or how many years you've been in whatever business you're in, when you pour your heart and soul into something and they say no, it sucks! "Just give me a chance!!!" You cry. But the decision maker on the other side has heard and seen it all before and has been hardened. There is no mercy. Again, it's the nature of the business. It's not going to change for me or anyone else anytime soon. And even if you're in the inner circle and are paid to write films as a career, it still may suck since your story could get changed to appeal to 13 year olds which will result in higher ticket sales. If that does not rub you the wrong way then just look at the writers strike going on right now. They are living the dream but it's become a nightmare for them right now. TV is heading into reruns and reality show hell with their absence but sooner or later this has to have a happy ending. It's what writers are paid to create no matter how implausible.
Still this "defeat", if you wish to call it such, is a drop in the bucket. In the grand scheme of things it means nothing to lose but a whole lot if you "win."
So What Now?
I can't change what happened and as I said, it's not worth stressing over. There will be more rejection than acceptance as I try to get my work out there. But here's the thing, I've got nothing in the tank right now as far as major stories go. Yes there is this blog and yes it's great to whip out some quick stories to keep the knives from dulling, but I can't get the mojo going and this also sucks.
The other thing that sucks? I have not been motivated to work on the last script I completed.
I feel it's a great story but I also feel overwhelmed by it. So much so that to open it up and begin revisions hurts like hell.
Was it the "defeat" this summer or the series of events that's been distracting me from my priorities? Is it the Blackberry? The current job? This blog? Or fear?
I haven't a clue but the shutdown of sorts scares me. Where did the spark go? Will it come back? Should I forget the whole fucking thing?
These are questions only I can answer and I will have a brutal wrestling match with my thoughts in the weeks to come. "Defeat" should never be a reason to give up in any goal you've set for yourself but loss of will is something you should fight to get back. Without a will, there's not a way. If there's no way, there's no fun to be had at the end. This disturbs me as I want that fun and sense of accomplishment in my life. Unfortunately what I have become at the moment is a working stiff. Just giving enough to make it through the day so I have enough left to make it through the next. And when I say "enough" it's actually a lot.
There's a balance to all of this and once one can figure it out, I think victory is right around the corner. You just have to have an open mind to what that means.
So have you ever lost focus with your goal? Have you lost your motivation? Have you just wanted to say, "damn it all and throw in the towel to be a safe, working stiff?
Unload here.......
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can't remember if I've asked you this before but have you read "Monster" (Living off the Big Screen) by John Gregory Dunne?
fascinating look at the life of a screenwriter
I know what you mean about losing your spark! It's exactly how I've been feeling but I'm working on it. I try to not fold under pressure and remind myself that the old Maritza wouldn't take any crap from anyone and try to muster up that same courage.
It works. Don't give up.
nursemyra - I have not had the plesure of reading the book but that may be just what I need at this point. however I hope it does not scare the living daylights out of me either. I'm sure it's an honest look at things.
maritza - the old Ricardo was the same way. however with so many disasters in my life, I'm afraid I've become far too cautious. I hope you get your spark back soon. it sucks not having that.
You know "The Marsha" wants you to succeed in what ever you do. I hate rejection. I think everyone does. I think you should put your whole heart and soul into what ever makes you happy....Of course, within the confines of still being able to pay your bills. :)
marsha - thank you and i hope to do well at something in this life. I was hoping it would be this. You've wrote some books and got them published so it must have been great for you when that happened. You must have some war stories.
Ricardo- My books are self published thru LULU.com. No war stories there I'm afraid. It took me nearly two years to write the two books online by writing one journal entry at a time. I drew the art for the covers. I uploaded my book files to LULU. Lulu turned my files and art into two books. Then I told everyone in my family and a few friends. They all bought one or two. BTW, it doesn't cost a penny to publish thru LULU.com but you do have to purchase your own book if you want one. The books cost me $8 each. If someone else buys a book it cost them $12. I pocket the $4.
This is probably more than you wanted to know. I am very proud of my books. They were a lot of hard work. And I can say..."I am a published author." :)
Marsha that is exactly the stuff I want to know. You went around the systen to make it happen and there is nothing wrong with that. I think the lulu thing is a fantastic idea and gives people the chance to be heard that never had a shot before. This is proof of how the internet continues to level the playing field. and thank goodness for that.
Well, I haven't had all the setbacks you've recently had but this past year I've been dealing with a similar lack of motivation, fears, anxiety and even depression.
Your question deserves some thought ...may take me a while but I'll get back to you on this.
It's gonna take me a bit because I am wrestling with something similar. In my case, I set things up so that I have someone kicking me in the rear. Good thing, too. I SO WANT to snuggle back in my comfort zone!
I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you.
Oh! Like the new avatar! Very stylish/noir!
And what does "abd" stand for? You left it on my blog...
MsQ - It's all one crazy ride that I hope has a purpose. You are in a big transition now so you have a lot to wrestle with. But even if you land in a place that is not perfect, it still won't be as bad as where you were.
The picture is a old one and, as usual, makes me look ghoulish.
"So have you ever lost focus with your goal? Have you lost your motivation? Have you just wanted to say, "damn it allP and throw in the towel to be a safe, working stiff?"
Yes. I have felt like that.
I HATE to admit that. sometimes I do feel like all I will ever amount to is this corporate drone bullshit life I have managed to crave out.
carve out. oops
That's pretty much my life. It's so lame. Don't give up and do the safe job thing or else you'll be boring and unhappy.
meleah - And how awful would it be if that's all we have? there's got to be MORE OUT THERE! Right? We have both at least carved out something decent out with the disasters we went through. Not many people can say that. Now that's a big win but not the endgame.
ALF - No! Snap out of the boring. I'm sure there's something out there you really want to do. Give it a shot.
Hmm. That's funny. I thought that when I stopped working and had time to write that I would use that time and enjoy it, and instead I could give a crap. I have no desire to write right now. I have been wondering the same thing. What happened to it? Where did it go? I have no idea. Maybe I was writing because I wasn't happy and now I am happy and I don't feel the need.
Anyway, I'm sorry about the contest. Just because you didn't make it, doesn't mean your not good.
BBE - Maybe I should say that I'm not happy and I suck. The contest is like the lottery. In the grand scheme of things it meant nothing. but I wanted to advance further. I may enter a few more for the sake of getting feedback.
Yes! Yes, I've felt that way.
I've gone through the motions of wanting to through in a couple of towels. It causes so much pain when rejection stares you in the face and then slaps you around like a rag doll. But enough of the negative...
You'll get your mojo back. You know the art of the pen and you'll find that inspiration again.
If this is one of many then let there be many until that fateful day comes.
Keep your head up and keep on keeping on.
Hope you get the spark back.
Sometimes I question the very path life has taken is that what I want to be? Am I on a track that leads me where I want to go? And do I even know where the f*** I want to go? Grrrr.
Urban glad I'm not alone in feeling this way.
The Mojo will return but not without a fight. I know what you mean about throwing in the towel. I would just hate to do that however. And you don't do it either.
SJ that's the other thing, where the heck do you want to go? That's a huge question. A painful question. One that I hope to answer before it's all said and done.
Awe sweetie, don't give up. I used to cry every time a publishing company said, "Oh sorry, not our forte", or "not our cup of tea"... I would totally go into a funk and end up not writing for long periods of time. My skin wasn't that thick as I thought it was. When I finally published it, then people started looking. But, even with photography when I used to show at galleries, they would reject A LOT of my work----and the ones that were my favorites---so I thought... The ones I thought were good.
Anita Baker was turned down over 100 times and was told she was a HORRIBLE singer. Look at her accomplishments.
Hang in there. Just because one, two or three people say it's "not good enough", somebody out there will find it to be a diamond.
Watch. I have faith in you!
Hope you're doing well!
It's too late for me Deb. Save yourself :-P
The Anita Baker thing is crazy. She's got an incredible voice.
Motivation tends to be all or nothing for me. I'm sorry about the competition. :-( :-( :-(
It's all downhill for me now Jill. Save yourself.
I have lost my spark... for years actually. Lost MY goals and drive. It sucked, but was worse when I finally recognized that that was the case. The wake up to the reality that I wasted years of my life was tough to take.
It sounds like you havent had it all that long...so thats good... perhaps taking a class where you are surrounded by motivated people in your industry... or a retreat... something where you can find that passion again for what you love to do (or did love to do...) just a thought.
Believe in your dream. If you really believe it... it will happen.
so I just leave you a comment and go check my emails... I get this forwarded to me from a friend(long story, I am not a huge Reverand Run fan, but this friend is and sorta makes a game out of force feeding me his quotes...most of them are pretty good... but I generally dont admit to that! lol). I had to pass it on to you:
(Daily Double)
Good morning. One reason people fail is pride. You have not because you
ask not. (Remember this!) The wheel that squeaks gets the oil!! Never be
afraid of rejection. Ask ask ask. Be willing to experience a season of
rejection to create a eternity of gain. Knock on doors! Open your mouth!
Some things last longer than rejection... Your goals and dreams!
God is Love
Rev Run
Two Kate comments for the price of one, I love it already!
I think being with others with like minded goals in a retreat and/or a class would be great. that's an excellent suggestion.
That Rev Run is one wise man.
I think you just need a little break. You're probably suffering from writer's block.
In the words of one Mary J Blidge:
"Its my life and I know that there's more for me to see... I may not be what I am supposed to, but I can tell you right now, I aint what I used to be"
and THATS that!
First of all, you work a full time job. That eats away at a lot of brain cells and creative energy. Second, you had all that crap with the car. You've had stress--another anti-creative monster. Third, we all go through dry spells. Sometimes we just need to think and not force ourselves to think. Fourth, and this is the hardest for your business, it's always best to write for yourself and not for others, as you will be spending energy on the market instead of your mind. You've had some tough breaks. But I know you can write and you understand your medium. To hell with the taste of the market--people are fickle anyway. Do what is good for YOU! And if you need to stop blogging, then do it if you feel it takes you away. You will revive, Ricardo. I am serious.
Leon -Thanks my good man. Yes there is a writers block going on. I can blog just fine but I can't do the other stuff right now.
Meleah - Sing it baby! But yes that's VERY true in this case and also for you. That is something to hang your hat on. It would not be a pretty picture if I stayed the way I used to be. That's for sure.
Enemy - Thank you very much. Yes I have been beaten senseless these days with stress from work and all things automotive. I will continue to write from the inside out and not think about the market for the reasons you describe. It's never been my thing. I think I will revive and thanks for having faith in me.
"...it's always best to write for yourself and not for others, as you will be spending energy on the market instead of your mind."
Enemy said it best in my opinion. Don't focus on your readers or your loyal fans over here. Write when you're frustrated. Write when you're angry. Write when you're sad...and when you get a glimpse of happiness and feel like being funny, write and share it with us--but most of all, for "you".
I'm thinking about quitting blogging for a while myself.
I'm totally there with ya!
Hang in there!
dude
i love music and made some semi professionally once.. i soon had some songs on the radio and found myself being interviewed.. thenext thing i knew i had relatively "famous" people that wanted to work with me on some stuff.. frankly i couldnt quite understand why because my recordings were pretty basic.. and the material was alright and i thought my singing was pitchy.. but i did love making music..
thing was the second they dragged me into their world i suddenly found myself having 45678 discussions about every 1 line of music made and most of them were not pleasant.. i bailed..
the blessing of a talent is the talent.. sometimes people cannot see things for what they are..
retain your passion and discard the noise.. its all a journey
Lirun I commend you on making some waves but it sounds like you were dragged into some awful stuff. can imaging they wanted to take your work and change it all around into something it was not. That SUCKS and I would hate it. And you're right about the journey. That's where the real stuff is. The rest is indeed noise.
I think a good way is to not resist just let yourself be and accept the loss of words for a little while and experience inactivity for a bit then com up fighting again.
Sound Advice Amber. I will do that as there is no other option.
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