As I begin my celebration of the Jewish festival of lights, my enjoyment has been hampered by a vicious cold that has had me out of it for the last day or so. Unable to really get out of bed yesterday with violent coughing fits and a fever, today I was determined to drag myself out bed. I staggered through the aisles of the grocery story to pick up the necessary drugs needed to keep me barely functional and Hanukkah candles to carry out the mitzvah of lighting the menorah.
Paths were cleared immediately for me to pass as my obvious pestilence struck deep fear into all those who laid eyes on me. If they didn't hear me they could hear my coughing and wheezing. No one wanted any part of me. Making it through the checkout was a breeze.
Upon arriving home my eyes began to water and close up. My left eye remained opened just enough to make my way through the apartment, grab and don my yarmulke and attempt to read the berakhahs (blessings) aloud.
It went something like this......
Me: Barukh Atta...COUGH, COUGH COUGH, COUGH!!! Ackh! COUGH, COUGH, COUGH!!
(I fight to light the shamash candle and barely succeed)
ME: Barukh.....COUGH, COUGH, COUGH!!
(l fight to light the second candle and get hot wax on my fingers almost causing me to drop the shamash candle)
Me: ....ack......COUGH....Adonay...Elo....COUGH , COUGH COUGH!
(another violent coughing fit ensues and my yarmulke goes flying off)
Me: COUGH, COUGH, COUGH!
At this point I give up and jam the shamash candle back into the center of the menorah and run to the bathroom to cough up what seems to be gallons of phlegm.
Happy holidays everybody.
Note: This is a secular blog and this entry in no way shape or form is meant to convert, preach or proselytize my set of beliefs onto anyone else's. And no, I'm not a "holy roller."
Coming up..... Live Free Or Die Hard
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Hanukkah Sniffles
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I don't think I've heard a Jew referred to as a "holy roller"! LOL Hope you are feeling better soon -- nasty coughs are no fun. :-(
No, but some idiot will assume that this is a religious site and try to convert me to some whacked out cult and claim that my inability to say the blessings through the coughing was a sign of some sort.
HAPPY HANUKKAH!
(from one to another)
Indeed! Thanks Meleah!
I don't know Ricardo....I'm startin to feel a bit Jewish.
So sorry to read that you are feeling bad.
Sorry to hear your not well. I'm sure Yahweh knew what you meant.
I love the disclamer. LoL
*feel better*
Lighting the candles as a kid made me have fear of fire (I think that's the reason. Can't be sure). The first time I was able to use a lighter was when I was twenty and started smoking. Matches came a bit later. I will still instinctively punch someone who came close to me with a candle.
Hanukkah is a bit traumatic for me.
Gimellllll!!!!!
My Dude I hope you feel better soon. It's going to be a tough few days but between the coughs may blessing cross your path.
Marsha ready to ditch her gentile ways over my menorah and coughing. How's that for spiritual power? ;-)
BBE - I hope somebody up there knew what the heck I was attempting to do. A disaster I tell you and I could have burned down the whole place with all this coughing, convulsing and fire.
Clay -People love my new little disclaimers these days but I feel like I have to with the last few topics especially this one. Why? Because every other time I do write about my spirituality, some ultra fundamentalist knucklehead (who thinks their religion is the only game in town) starts quoting passages from some version of a bible or whatever that they made up in their basement and tells me that I'm gambling with my bid for eternal life. They'll back this up by saying they talked to God on their cell phone earlier in the day and told them to come to my blog to save me and get me into party when I'm dead. Clay, who the fuck knows if there is any of that? Make the most of your life NOW!
Meleah the picture of your smiling face always makes me feel better.
People - Gimel. LOL! Nun! Hey! Shin! Wooo! the menorah is a friend to all my man. And thanks to technology they do have electric ones now. You can't beat that with a bat.
Urban - Thank you very very much and as we Jews say to those we wish well, "May you live to 120."
I hope you feel better soon! Lighting the candles for the menorah has always sounded so beautiful. My best friend in grade school was Jewish and like any kid (or any kid that wasn't taught "my religion is righter than your religion" or "my god is better than your god") following the rituals of your best friend was interesting and cool and not something to argue about.
Religious beliefs - it's too bad that we have wars...over religion! From what I've read, all religions preach a similar message of peace. But people are human, huh? We're not godlike and all accepting. It's too bad you have to have a disclaimer.
Be well. La chaim! (With a raised shot of Niquil)
Happy Hanukkah and hope you get better soon.
Happy Hanukkah to you too! I hope you get a present for each night, plus a cure for the common cold. I figure that once this slew of work is over, I will get hit by my annual bout with pneumonia or bronchitis. Everyone at work seems to be on the brink or already there.
Now who would see this as a religious site and try to convert you and to what belief? Gosh, no one ever does that to me....
Ms.Q - I love participating in other cultural rituals and ceremonies. There's just something so enlightening and rewarding about it.
Yes religion does cause a lot of problems. In fact it can be argued that it's the source of the worlds problems. But if people broadened their minds, they'd see that the underlying message is the same! And that is what we should focus on. However the weakminded have what seems to be a monopoly on many religions even though the don't speak for the majority.
Can people of different faiths come together and use their spiritual beliefs to have common ground and solve problems? This is a topic I may write more about very soon.
Sj - what's going on my friend! Good to see you back!
Enemy - thank you and you of all people couldn't possibly have encountered that on your blog. Why I'm shocked ;-)
Yes this cold due to over working myself at the job and the frantic dash to save my car. It all caught up with me. I hope it does not catch you.
If you're a holy roller, then I'm Jesus. Happy Hanukkah! Love that Adam Sandler song.
Amen to that Leon!!!
ur hilarious
WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS TRYING TO CONVERT ME??? (hehe) There's yer idiot fer ya!
I hope you are having a wonderful holiday and that you're feeling better.
Some chicken soup?
Sorry to hear you where ill, hope its passed now. Love the hyperlinks that answer the questions before they are asked, reminds me I should read up more on Judaism.
Lirun - thanks my man! Better to smiles than frowns.
Deb - Yeah I become a bit like our Christian friend who visits you and thinks your living a life of sin. His name rhymes with Barry Harper. In fact I'm going to call him that from now on.
Feral - Yeah it's a religion that can function both on a spiritual level or practical level. You can do one or both. Do keep in mind as you go off to read that there are 3 major branches with differences in philosophy. I'm in the branch known as Conservative which is also known as Masorti. Strangely, it's not conservative at all and quite liberal. It's an offshoot of the Original Orthodox sect. The split resulted from disagreements with the role of women in the faith and being more flexible with the interpretation of the Torah so that is can be adapted to suit the changing times and address new problems. We believe it's an evolving thing as opposed to something set in stone. The 3rd branch is called reform which is more liberal than my sect.
There's a decent wikipedia write up here
And no, my friend, this is not an attempt to covert. That, believe it or not, is against the rules of Judaism. I find that refreshing.
Hey Happy Hanukkah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry you're feeling rotten. :-( :-( :-( I'm going to have to wait to watch the video so my kids can see it - they love that! :-)
Hey Jill!!! Good to see you here. Happy Hanukkah to you as well. the video is a classic and great fun. Adam Sandler is a genius.
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