We all have our hopes, dreams aspirations and goals. We do our part to achieve them and hope that the work invested is bringing us closer to where we want to be instead of pushing us further away.
This is a difficult thing to gauge and sometimes we don't know for sure or won't know until some time has passed. It's only then that we can be witnesses to the fruits of out labor and feel that good work has been done. However, during these periods, there is tremendous time for self doubt to fester and rear it's ugly head. It is then that we wind up at parties and run into people we haven't seen in years or perhaps a person of importance that could play a role in the advancement of your career. It's inevitable that in these casual discussions that the other person will rattle off their accomplishments and then turn the spot light on you with a simple question:
So what are you doing?
The other individuals accomplishments seem so much more solid and ambitious. Your mind races, searching for answer that will be at least on par with his or hers.
The throat tightens, ever so slightly.
The sound "um" wants to pour out of your mouth in a steady stream.
The palms grow a bit sweaty.
You fidget or shrug your shoulders.
Finally you take a deep breath and let it rip, stringing together a shaky list of "plans" you have with a tone of forced confidence that only accentuates your insecurity. You don't want to look like an oaf or layabout. You want to portray that YOU TOO are on the move and working on something grand.
The other person will nod and declare how wonderful it is that your doing these things. They will follow up with how far along you are. The best answer you can muster is something a long the lines of this:
You: Well....um.....you know......things.......working on it.......it's...uh...coming right along.
You feel your heart sinking and you clear your throat once more, hoping they believe you. Soon the talk ends and you both go your separate ways. You realize what an awkward time that was and spin into self evaluation mode. "This can't happen again!" You say to yourself. You go home and construct more solid and stock answers to defend yourself the next time you're at a cocktail party. You'll shine like a star and people will be in awe of you. It's not to be a liar but to hold your own in a world that seems as if it's passing you by. You may not be as far along as others but you'll make what you have done sound great.
But the self doubt still lingers. You wonder why haven't you gone as far as you'd like. You question if you have enough in the tank, the will, the fortitude. Did you chase the wrong calling? Soon these thoughts haunt your entire being. And as you step out into the world there is only one thing you feel like....
FRAUD!
You're not the writer, inventor, artist, poet, singer, songwriter, musician, entrepreneur or bad ass you hyped yourself up to be!! No, no no! You're none of these things. You have your job at a generic office, factory or store, not the goals you aspire for! You are what you do! You're a cubicle slug, factory zombie or retail scum. You hate this! People notice your discontent but don't know what your problem is. You scream, "LET ME OUT!" But where is the OUT?! Is this it? Is this all? It wasn't supposed to be this way!!!!
The ugly word reverberates throughout mind, body and room you're in.
YES! That word! Say it with me:
FFFFFFFFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUDDDDDDDDD!
Oh God no! Not this this way! Not like this! This can't be my fate!
You look around, people stare with sideways glances. Children scatter. You're own pets no longer recognize you.
HHHHEEEEEELLLLP!
You dive back into your goal with a fanatical conviction to prove this all wrong. You can do this. You can make it! Damn all of you who say no! Curse you! Or you can give up and go back to the status quo. So simple isn't it? But so fucking hard.
We have this choice everyday. We can make it or avoid it. But everyday that you choose to say yes, then it's as real as anything else in front of you.
Coming up next...... Can I please stop the coughing? And..... When Vegas Lost a Starlet.
24 PEOPLE HAVE UNLOADED:
As a 31 yr old woman who is trying to make her way back into the working world & find her 'purpose' after staying home to take care of my babies-this post made me cry. You put into words exactly how I feel.Thank so much! Have a beautiful day.
Leah - Thank you very, very much. That means a great deal to me. I'm glad the words could help in some way and I hope they continue to do so. I'm wishing you the very best right now and for the future. And don't cry, go out and conquer the world. Show those kids of yours what an exceptional woman you really are.
As long as I'm not the success I've always felt I deserved to be I end up resenting those well-meaning people who ask me about myself. I end up trying to avoid the subject altogether even though... After all, is there a better subject of discussion than talking about a person who gets older but continues to hold on to a dream? We can talk about everything we want, but in the end, life is now and has always been this same chase up the mountain and against time.
In other words, you're not a fraud. Writing a screenplay will not make you a script writer because you will refuse this title until you get the recognition you feel entitles you to the title.
But it doesn't have to be this way. After all, if someone asks you "What about you?" you can say, "I'm a writer," because you have a blog with dedicated readers, and you can say, "I'm a screenwriter," because you wrote a screenplay.
And the fact that you still don't make your money doing these things doesn't make you a fraud, is what I'm saying.
keep plugging away ricardo. you'll get there.
*hug*
Oh, I know exactly what you mean. I think that the goal that you have set for yourself, selling a screenplay, is difficult to have happen, it takes lots of fortitude and lots of time. Maybe the people that you are comparing yourself with, have goals that are easier to achieve, I mean statistic-wise. Don't compare yourself with them, I bet if they wrote blogs, no-one would read them.
Ricardo... this hit way too close to home for me.... great post.
People - I read you loud and clear. If my words are reaching people and causing a response then it can be fair to say that I am a writer. And if i make money or not, that does not make me a fraud. I agree. if I write, then I'm a writer. And iif someone drops that question on you of what you are up to, don't be afraid of it. You are now a proud papa!
nursemyra - Thank you so very much. I am feeling better already thanks to those hugs. :-)
BBE - Yes the goals are high and I have ultimately set myself up for doom. Smaller goals are in order for now.
meleah - With the novel you are working on. I bet you've felt overwhelmed by it all. I'm happy that you can relate but not happy that you are going through it also. Because it blows!
Wow. This post really spoke to my soul. Guess I'm not alone in this struggle huh?
{{{Big Hug}}} Happy Holiday!
One of the things I learned never to ask anyone anywhere is, "So what do you do?" Or, "So what are you doing now?" I can't bear the thought of them struggling through elaborate words like, "Senior Sales Executive," or "Domestic Engineer Analyst"... The reason why I've learned this was because of my long period of unemployment. And I wasn't attending any "cocktail parties", much to my discontent, however, I was at my own family's parties when a distant relative would smack me on the back as if I were some burly man with hair on my chest and they would say, "So............watchya' doing these days withyourself, Deb?"
*chirp*
*chirp*
*chirp*
"Oh, well, right now?...Yeah....I'm in between jobs."
What the frig does that mean? I was a "cubical slug" for many years at a phone and internet company. I was literally CHAINED to my desk and computer with a cord to answer calls from idiots who didn't know how to log onto a computer or elderly people whose grandchildren gave them the internet and a computer for Christmas. What morons. Seriously. Why are you getting them the internet when they haven't even graduated from the rotary telephone yet?
Sorry. I guess I'm venting. I should see my shrink.
Anyway, I totally hear ya, feel ya and relate!
YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. You have a job. You write beautifully and intellectually and you have many people who love listening and reading what you say.
I'm a huge fan!
I like what PITS said - you are not a fraud, you're not talking about writing, you're actually writing. You're not talking about some screenplay you will be writing, you actually wrote one! You ARE a writer and a screenplay writer.
In fact, you're an excellent writer - this post proves it with how well you expressed what so many of us have felt. That's a gift. Unfortunately, the media world is all about appearances and looking successful - I know I would have a very hard time dealing with that type of environment.
In your prior post ("When You Hate To Lose") you wrote about losing your motivation. In this post you're continuing the same theme about holding onto your dreams.
It can be very hard to hold onto your dreams. I watched this video (it's long):
http://www.cmu.edu/homepage/multimedia/randy-pausch-lecture.shtml
Done by a man who has 6 months to live. His last lecture is about pursuing childhood dreams and his job as a professor was encouraging people to pursue their dreams. He said that he learned that when you hit a brick wall, they are there for a reason - they show you how much you want something. A brick wall will stop everyone who doesn't want something enough to get past that wall.
It's natural to lose motivation - I have experienced this many times. Sometimes I have even given up. I gave up writing at least 3 times in my life and this is the first time I've stuck with it. If you're lucky, dreams stay alive.
One thing that has helped me was to become more spiritual - as I have worked on becoming more loving and accepting of others and not competitive and critical, I don't feel the need to prove myself as much to others. This is a constant battle as EGO likes to give me grief. You have nothing to prove to anyone. Not feeling the need to prove yourself, actually believing in your own talent and worth - that's actually MORE convincing to others than yammering on about your accomplishments. You are your own person.
I try not to use negative words when it comes to my self-image "cubicle slug" etc. I think of this as not putting me in a great frame of mind. Which does NOT mean I don't understand where you're coming from. I know it well. Am I where I want to be now? Uh, as someone who is Between Jobs (as opposed to "umemployed loser") I'm not. But what I have been doing is taking baby steps in a new direction while looking for work. My work may no longer be my passion (I used to love it) but I'm grateful for the income that it can provide. So maybe you can reframe your job to be something that allows you to care for you body while you pursue what feeds your soul.
You may also affirm the efforts you do make towards your dreams. That is, instead of saying, "I did so little" say, "I am this much closer to my dream." I wouldn't think beating yourself up is very motivating.
I'm not saying it's easy. I struggle with the thought of all the time I have wasted but like you said, we have a choice every day.
As a side note, maybe some personal coaching might help! Beth of My Moon Rising (Meleah knows her) has started her own personal coaching business and is trying to build it by doing some work for free.
http://mymoonrising.com/
I feel that somewhere along the line I lost my purpose and I feel that when people who know me look at me they think 'she sure wasted her talents'. I feel that way sometimes and it's quite a terrible feeling.
Keep at it!
Leon - Glad it hit home my friend. It's not a pleasant topic but I needed to get it out there.
Deb - I never understood kids who felt the need to get the elderly on the internet. Most of the time they don't want to. If they do then it's another story but most of the time...no! Glad you hear me loud and clear on this topic and glad you like the blog. But I feel like I should do more!! Is that wrong?
MsQ - I think no matter how much you may excel or fall short at your goals, there will be times when you feel like a fraud. The positivity thing is a good start but given my rocky history, I have become VERY jaded. You know, we really are our own worst enemy at times. Thank you for the links but I fear Beth may need to charge me good and plenty with all the work that's needed. Can you say, total overhaul?
Random - You feel your talents have been wasted? In what way? Are you not applying them to what you want to do? Then again if these talents cater to the expectations of others and not you, then it's not a waste at all. And why must we go through the whole losing our purpose thing? It is an awful feeling. I hate it.
ALF - Thank you much and I will :-)
Regarding your phrase "total overhaul" - it makes me think of that religious expression - "born again" and isn't that also a theme in many hero/myths about hitting bottom/losing everything/losing faith and then rebuilding and regaining it all and usually..for the better?
When I think of my age and how much time I have left to accomplish my dreams, I try to let go of the concept that I have to be whatever at a certain age or that it's too late. I have to keep moving forward. I remember when I went back to school and was looking at 4 years (ended up to be 4.5 years) of grueling schoolwork. I said, "one semester at a time."
Now I look at what I have to become to be successful (however I define success) and it's a bit daunting. But one step at a time. Easier said than done! But I know that I have to move forward.
From the sounds of it, you have passion and talent that want to be expressed - they won't let you be happy in a cubicle and denying them will be fraudulent to yourself.
You will find your way because you must. That's what happened to me. I was in my comfort zone but the inner me, my higher self was not putting up with all this coasting.
I am sure you will find a way to success and be open to any unexpected help!
Marsha - Thank you and I hope Santa was good to your family this year.
MSQ- Indeed, hitting bottom and rising back up is the source of many a hero myths but I'm not hero in that sense. A screw up who's a bit off and is clever at avoiding doom, maybe.
Yes time is such an evil thing. It passes slowly when you are in an awful situation and seems to fly by while you're trying to regroup from that awful situation.
And NO I won't be happy in a cubicle...EVER. My creative side will always want to come out and distract me. It's just the way I am. but at least I have job skills that keep me from working at a Wal-Mart or something.
Maybe I should just forget all of this and go into directing porn. LOL!
I really loved this post. I remember a few years ago a work colleague suddenly turned to me one day and asked, 'Do you ever feel like a fraud?', I think I lied and said no...this may just make me the ultimate fraudster. I do aim to not let the fraudster win and hopefully that will coincide with a happier career path. Thanks for sharing this wonderful piece!!
Tracey
Tracey - Thank you and I assure you that you are no fraud. We all would have gave the same answer in that situation because no one wants to be left feeling too vulnerable. I think the people who feel like frauds are really sincere people letting their insecurities get the better of them while the real frauds go through life trouble free because they have no conscience. Strange how that works but that's my theory.
Better to scream "fraud" at yourself than "failure." At least with "fraud" you can lie or bullshit someone. That's why I bullshit all day long.
rf - I suppose i could also bullshit my way to the top as well. isn't that the way the game is played?
Welcome to U N L O D E D by the way.
I saw something on HBO and I think that directing porn is harder (no nudge, no wink) than it looks or at least for better or good porn.
But it may pay better than cubicle work! Is there such a thing as a "porncast?" I'm just thinking about how you've been doing so much with your Black/Crack berry!
"A screw up who's a bit off and is clever at avoiding doom, maybe."
That's one interpretation but it's not mine. Being able to avoid doom is an excellent skill. You are much more resourceful than I - I certainly have not experienced the hardship you have.
I recall your screenplay and you have a gift for dialog. Your posts show this as well. Can you show that screenplay elsewhere?
Can you YouTube a scene? Generate some YouTube buzz?
MsQ I saw the same thing you did on HBO! LOL! It is a lot of hard work (no pun intended) and it pays handsomly. It's a multi BILLION dollar industry.
And the crackberry is no more!! I got a Palm Centro now which has a bigger screen and better keyboard. I switched to Sprint PCS because my Uncle A works there and got me everything for almost nothing a month inclusing high speed internet on the phone!! I can watch youtube on it! Speaking of which, it had a video camera on it and I have enough memory in it for 11 hours of footage!!! Your porncast idea may come to life. LOL!
I have always wanted to get actors to do a reading of Elsewhere. I have always been told I'm good with dialog. That is a great idea!!! Where did you think of that!?!!? WOW Ms.Q!! WOW!!!!
I'm all tingly.
Ambition often gets in the way of happiness. So does worrying about what the world might expect you to be doing.
Mark - Welcome and good point. You can't live up to the expectations of others and feel happy about it nor can you fuel yourself over the ambition that goes with that territory. Even if it is something you want and the ambition is there you have to keep it in check as it can isolate you from friends and family deprive you of the good things in life that do make us happy. They are usually the smaller and simple things.
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