U N L O A D E D

I'm sure I speak for many of us when I say that we are happy to have a job but not happy in the sense that we feel a profound fulfillment from it. For many of us, the current job we have is a thing that keeps the money coming in to pay the bills while we pursue or passions like building a hot air balloon that can travel around the world, scaling Mt. Everest or becoming the next Hugh Hefner. "This job really isn't me but a stopgap measure!" We declare at parties or to friends. We have that book or movie that were planning to complete which will whisk us away to the high life, a better life.

But until that magic happens we have our jobs and we play the role of a working stiff. We venture into the rush hour traffic and then to our cubicles, offices, desks, what have you. We do the job, we fake the smiles, we give false thanks to the measly raise we get each year despite being told that a 2% raise is the new 4% raise of yesteryear. The hours grow longer and the projects become more demanding but we give it the old college try because someone has got to keep the cable TV up and running.

I know, it's not easy, you seethe inside screaming, "get me the fuck out of here" but for now, you're stuck with what you have. It takes a lot to manage this day in and day out, you want to do a good job even if you're not nuts over it because some praise every now and then feels nice. However this is an office filled with other people and personalities vary greatly. It's not so bad, you think. You have the office supply whore who steals everything off anyones desks, then you have the gatekeeper of office supplies who won't share his or hers 20 year supply of post it notes with anyone. Then you have the worst element of all, the scum of the cubicle world.....

The Boss Who's Not a Boss!!!!

These individuals (cock suckers) are either the same rank as you or even lower but may have more "experience" than you and feel insecure about why they've been passed over time and again.

These people (fuck wads) see fit to monitor you and everyone else they work with and will run and tell on you if they sense any impropriety even though you've likely done nothing wrong.

These fake bosses (dumb asses) are meticulous, spending more time tracking you and keeping informal logs on when you came in and out of the office than their actual job.

These office subspecies also have no issue running up to you and pointing out what you did wrong until you realize that even the act of you breathing is wrong for them.

They have no issue delegating work to you that was originally assigned to THEM!!!

They are constantly aware of the latest office gossip and personal lives of those around them. They will use this as a weapon against without hesitation.

These scumbags seem to stay with the company forever despite everyone knowing that they suck at what they do yet they always have more to say about what they are doing than you do. They are excellent at marketing themselves at the expense of you. You are incompetent and they pick up your slack.

Why Do They Do It?

If it's a woman in the office doing it, it's likely her husband, boyfriend or girlfriend isn't going down on them enough. If they did, they'd likely be a little less obsessed with ruining others lives. If she's single then her vibrator has run out of batteries and she keeps forgetting to get new ones on her weekend shopping sprees. The thought process? "I bet so and so is getting it more than me, so I'm going to ruin their lives!! Where's my log book?!"

Women that feel the need to do this are also frigid. So much so that you can keep hamburger patties frozen by inserting them into her body cavities. Complimenting them on something as benign as a job well done will be used to somehow for a harassment suit against you. So as you can see, there's no helping these types. They only know how to destroy because they are fundamentally broken.

If it's a guy then he's having a macho man crisis. His wife, girlfriend or boyfriend would rather watch reruns of "The Love Boat" then take a roll in the sack with him. This does huge damage to the male ego. How does he get it back? By confronting and "defeating" the men he encounters in the battle field. That battlefield, my friends, is the office. This buffoon wouldn't last 10 seconds in an actual fist fight and would cry the first time he got knocked in the face. But in the office the environment is controlled. He can't be hurt physically and he can use these safe conditions to nurture his bruised ego. Yes, by calling out others and making them look incompetent, he can feel like a man again and rub one out in the bathroom if the vibes get too intense.

What Can be Done?

Let's face it, going to your boss will do little if anything to help because it brings attention to you and the tactics these douche bags are employing don't fit into any code of conduct violations on the books. But since this is a blog and and outlet for my fantasies, we can dream. I've come up with some ideas.

• Have them whisked away to a secret satellite office your company runs out in the middle of nowhere and have them water boarded.
• Rearrange the objects on their desk ever so slightly so that when they come back from wherever they were they can't figure out what's off.
• Find the evil log book they keep on everyone draw pictures over their data in crayon. Don't have any of those? Piss on it and shove it back into their drawer. And wash your hands afterwards!
• Have a fake office contest where they win a trip to the Bahamas and replace their tickets with a one way ticket to Baghdad!
• Take the used coffee grounds from from the office coffee maker and dump them onto their chair before they come into work.  If that's not enough, just dump the whole new fresh brewed pot of coffee onto them and watch the skin blister as they write in pain. 
• Drop 30 a pound box of copier paper on their toes and blame it on the carpal tunnel syndrome you got from typing up all the work they delegated to you.