The news that my biological father died of colon cancer 2 years ago.
The resurfacing of my fathers "brother" via a phone call.
The promise of money due to several accidents my father endured while still alive.
When I last wrote I told you the details of a conversation I had with my "fathers brother." Some of you feel that the way I addressed him was a way of me separating myself from someone I didn't like. A person who I think is a con artist. Why not just call him an uncle? Well that's the thing, he's not really my uncle and he's not really my father's brother. My father and he were cousins who grew so close to one another that they consider themselves brothers. But if he were my actual uncle, I would use that terminology, so you guys know me pretty well or do you? The more I reveal about myself here, the less you'll actually know. Call it mystery, call it mystique, I just call it the nature of things.
For the sake of continuing our story, we will call this "brother" of my father, A. And we pick up with A and I continuing the conversation from the previous post.
A: I just couldn't get involved so, you know I left it all up to your uncle. He knows all about the case. The one with your father getting hit by the car. It's not settled yet but there's money.
Me: These things can take years...yes.
A: I really begged your father to at least leave something behind for you. He was never there for you and...it's the least he could have done. Like I said, there's nothing else left but his bible. Everything else is gone. I'm giving things away too because the end could be close.
Me: I'm not here for the money.
A: Oh, no one's saying that. It's just a nice thing he could have done for you. One more thing, your grandmother is in a nursing home now, she would love to see you if you can visit. I can't make it down there all the time with my condition.
Me: Well I.....
A: It's been a rough few years for me but as long as I'm alive you have a place to stay here in Brooklyn. After all, we're family. That's what really matters.
Me: Thanks. You know...while I can't top your news today...I had a rough few years that I almost didn't make it out of....
A: Yeah well, you sound great and be sure to call your uncle. I have to go to church. Take care. Bye.
CLICK!
If he didn't jump off the phone so quick I would have told him to be sure to bring my fathers bible along with him. He'd need it to keep up his new religious front.
All About A
A is a character, late 50's to early 60's, pencil thin mustache, slicked back hair, diamond earing in one ear and an early 80's Cadillac that makes him look a bit like an over the hill pimp. A spent his better days drinking and dancing at the Copacabana. Yes it's a real place in New York City and I've been there and wish never to return. But I went, A forced me there. It was a free buffet night which was A's favourite. I got
yelled at for wearing my leather jacket inside by some over the hill attendant that really wanted me to pay 5 bucks to have it hung in the coat room. I told him to "go fuck himself" and demanded to A that we leave. A was too busy hitting on a cigarette girl less than half his age. She was a stunner but looked to be annoyed at lugging around a box full of cigaretts and his advances. "I've spent so much money on her through tipping, my God." He declared to me with awe and lust. But all the tipping in the world wasn't going to get him laid, not by her at least. He was a stud only in his mind and seemed to be comfortable with that. Every man has their bliss I suppose.
The food at the free buffet was awful by the way and the clientèle were very Latin in all the wrong ways. And while I despised the Barry Manilow song named after this place before the incident, it causes me to shudder now. Actually, anything by Barry also induces me to vomit, but that's another post.
The astute reader will recall that I had a grandmother that recently died, she was on my mothers side and the one that mattered most to me. The one on my fathers side I barely knew nor did I really want to. This was all becoming too much for me at once. I placed a call to my uncle per A's orders. I got the voice mail.
Me: Hey, it's your nephew. Listen I know my father's dead, I talked to A about it and he says there's some lawsuit and money and you're overseeing it but this is A so...I don't know. I don't know about this. Call me and tell me what this is all about because...I don't know about this.
My first meeting with L
When I became reacquainted with my fathers side of the family at 21 this uncle was one of the few bright spots. We'll call him L. L is very business minded and has his head screwed on straight or at least more so than everyone else in my so called family. I liked him, even though our first night out involved infiltrating a gay bar so he could sell designer shot glasses to the owner. It was supposed to be a quick run but the owner kept disappearing in the back to do blow. While L chased her around trying to hammer down a deal, I was left to my own devices with L's friend who we'll call P.
This is not a good situation for a straight man to be in and P was ready to cause trouble. He was a straight man with an agenda. When not trying to provoke the bar patrons he would interfere with my only source of refuge, a hot bar maid that knew, just by looking at us, that we didn't belong there and thought I was cute. Every time I would move in P would make a move on her as well. I finally asked him what his fucking problem was. He gave me a speech on how he doesn't take BS from anyone, took out his gun, put it to my head then tucked it back into his jacket. I told him to do it again. He was taken aback. I demanded that he say what he said to me and do what he just did, again. If he thought he was such a bad ass, then I would show him bad ass sans weaponry. I don't need weapons to get my point across, just a few well placed words. He did it again. I leaned my forehead into the barrel, looked into him eyes and told him to "go fuck himself."
He put the gun away, hugged me and said anyone with a set of balls like that would be his friend for life. He vowed that if anyone crossed me, that they would be taken care of promptly. I never took P at his word but appreciated the gesture of friendship.
The stupid things men say and do when drunk and in the presence of a beautiful woman.
Yes L would hold the answers and shed new light on my fathers final moments. And these details will be shared with you here, on this blog, in full detail.....
(looks at the clock, takes a sip of wine and eases back into his chair)
But not tonight.
Tonight I will venture outward. Tonight I will fall into the sensual world known as the night life and welcome it's touch, it's embrace, it's rapture. Tonight I will attempt to feel the warmth and power of a woman's body next to mine. Tonight I will temporarily forget this madness so I can return and tell you the rest.
26 PEOPLE HAVE UNLOADED:
Something's fishy about 'A'... && 'L' is scary, putting a gun to your head then hugging you!? Lol, point tooken, you're tough.
shoulda dropped l`s ass. then he could have figured out who he respected.
i tell my boys that if you pick up a weapon, be commited to use it......or prepare to eat it.
i hope your life is better now.
nefty - Tough or young and stupid? LOL! It was actually L's friend that did it but not L himself. What a moment.
Dr.A - Yes. There are people that carry weapons to compensate for something but will never actually use it. n this case, thank goodness he didn't. Having a gun does not make a man but rather it's the will. I
you show remarkable composure ricardo...
I think it was the alcohol John B. ;-)
Wow having a gun put on your head ... must have been something.
It pissed me off SJ. It pissed me off. But don't ever try what I did. It was stupid.
I'm at a loss for words. This is shaping up to be a couple of great but heartbreaking entries. How did you ever survive? You really have a lot of internal strength. I give you tons of credit for becoming the man you are today and not falling into the same lifestyle you were surrounded by.
Maritza I have family dysfunction from BOTH sides of the family! In fact, the family dysfunction is so big that it rivals any movie of the week about the subject. This is why I work had to distance myself from all of them. This is why I wish to leave the country!! They are such a destructive and destabilising force.
Ricardo,
I had a hard time expressing myself on the first blog as I was dealing with some of my own shit. But I've learned a valuable lesson and I think you have as well: blood doesn't mean a thing. My family and I are not friendly--cordial, yes, but not close. I've been screwed over too much. I can count on my hands and subtract who can be trusted. Bro, you go with your gut. If there is such a thing as past lives, these people were probably not your family; the people you feel closest to right now are your flesh and blood. I used to get so guilty over this until I thought: I am hurting no one. They, in turn, are dumping on me. Why should I feel bad because they punch me instead of the pillow? Maybe this sounds harsh and unloving, but it has been my experience. What matters is that YOU are okay. I hope I make sense.
My dad used to chase my mother around the house with a gun. Shit, the things adults do around children. Ricardo, you are a survivor and we love you.
Enemy - Thank you. I really don't deserve so much credit. I just did what had to be done. I understand exactly what you mean by the first comment as well. That's the principle these posts are based on. You have manipulators and you have family. Blood does not cancel out the manipulator element.
I find it disgusting and appalling that you had to grow up watching your father do that.
I'm interested to read more. Something makes me think that A only told you out of hope he'd get something for himself. I could be wrong, though. It could have come from his impending death. That is if that story is true.
Stay tuned Laura. Stay tuned.
Yeah, Ricardo, it fucked with me big time. But I had an older brother who looked out for me. Without him, I'd be a different person. But we live in a fatherless society and I am even referring to dads who don't leave. I don't think our culture teaches men how to be fathers to their kids anymore. My son is lucky: my husband is a rebel so he is figuring out what a father must be. One day I will go more into my views. With mothers, everything is believed that it is ingrained, but fathers have to learn. I don't think that is true. We all need to be shown.
aiiii what a way to be confronted with all that!
enemy: did our culture ever teach men how to be fathers? I recall 50's books on how to be a good wife that instruct women to wash up the children before the men come home, and make sure they don't bother him because he's had a hard day at work. Lack of paternal instinct runs through our culture across generations. I hope this generation brings some change.
Ricardo: ::hugs::
i didn`t need to be taught how to be a father.
i just give what i missed growing up.
and as much as my ex tries to tear them away, they want to be with me all the more.
break the cycle ricardo.
smash it.
You show major strength in character. I was glued reading this. Wow.
Enemy - While we have been proactive in trying to address what hurts women in our society we never have addressed what hurts men in society. There are all sorts of pressures placed on men that limit their ability to perform or express A, B or C. We don't have it as easy as it's made out to be. We're taught to stifle our emotions.
Tisha - It's a bunch of crazy Puerto Rican's in New York. Did you expect any less? ;-)
Irisi - Thank you. I told Enemy of your question and she should be posting a reply. The 50's mentality is still alive and well in some parts of this country.
Dr.A - The kids want to be with you more because they may sense their mothers anger and that's repellant. Stay on the higher ground. Break they cycle as in having kids of my own and being a better father or letting go of the anger? I have no patience for kids and no drive to be a father. Just not in me. But letting go of the anger might be possible.
Deb - Thank you very much and I really appreciate that. I'm glad Enemy pointed us all to your blog as your doing some valuable stuff there and I hope you wake some people up with it. I was also moved by your piece on depression. If you're glued that means my screenwriters instincts are helping people stay with this all too real multipart story. There's so much that happened to me and I'm trying to cover everything as efficiently as possible. It's been very difficult to write this so thank you again for the words and for reading.
There's nothing wrong with using language, and thus one's reflexive psychology, to distance one's self from uncomfortable emotions. It's an important part of the mechanism of how we come to understand ourselves and the place we have made for ourselves in the world.
I called my stepfather, "the fatass my mother married" for years. I finally came to terms with his place in my life and now he's "my stepfather." Likewise I called my stepbrother my brother until I found out a lot of unsavory things about him and, without me deciding to do so, I took to calling him my step-brother.
I have an ex that I still call, "She Who Must Not Be Named."
All levity aside. I think we worry too much about how we address things as if euphemism and pleonasm (god that's a great word) didn't serve a purpose. As if coping mechanisms weren't exactly that, coping, learning, healing.
I was going somewhere with this but I've run out of steam.
Thomas I totally understand what you mean and where you're going, it's a great point. It's all part of coping and that was an excellent use of the word pleonasm!!
Sorry to see your past coming out to try and snare and entangle you back into the place you are trying to distance yourself from. I hope that you keep steady and I know you will.
Your Fan,
Don
Thanks Don. I have some great news to share BTW. I'll swing by to say hi and tell you what's up.
Holy Crap Ricardo...that sounds like one hell of wild night in the gay bar- I can't say that I would have reacted the way you did to having a gun pulled on me. But then, I'm not like you. I'm a wuss.
I'm looking forward to reading the next bit...
I thought "distancing" too w/the first post, but people are full of surprises.
I knew this one would eat my lunch...though I did manage two "chapters" tonight & w/out even crying...family should really try to be *better* to each other than even friends, coworkers, everyone else. But it doesn't seem to happen like that always or even very often.
Irisi - think you're right, sort of. I don't know that mothering comes as natural to some as society would have us believe, but then again the expectations are a lot clearer & I don't think they've changed as quickly as the expectations for fathers (which I believe were essentially to provide food and shelter & not to cause too much bodily harm only a couple generations ago)
Thomas - that *is* a good word! (I had to look it up) I'm going to have to check my birth certificate; pleonasm might actually be my middle name...
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